Despite the fact that it has been a month since I've written, I have surprisingly little news to report. I have been staying busy with schoolwork; am still writing for the local newspaper and writing essays for scholarships; am taking a math class at HACC (a local community college); am still very involved in church/youth group activities; am enjoying spending time with my family, friends, and 'critters'; am staying involved in the Deaf Community as much as possible, am loving all the snow we've been getting this winter, am anticipating/planning my graduation in June; and have been getting some great quality time to spend with Jesus (the things He tells us when we get alone and quiet with Him are amazing)!
In other news, I have heard nothing else from RIT since receiving their letter in the mail last month, informing me that I have not yet been accepted into their Interpreting program; thus I am awaiting further information in March. Meanwhile, I am continuing to seek God earnestly regarding college and my future plans; thus far, He has told me nothing new, only reiterating His previous statement of, "Be still and trust Me! Continue listening." I am really doing my best to not get discouraged. The clock is ticking, cuts are being made, and I feel as if I am once again, back to where I started, with no idea what I'm doing or where/how to proceed. However, I am still obediently doing the last thing He told me, until He tells me something new...and that is to continue applying for scholarships and planning for my Bachelors Degree. I have begun to realize that I rather lack the desire to attend college; whether this is good or bad, I know not. But if His plans for me do include college, then by all means, I'll attend, but I have little to no desire for it. (However, with nothing to lose, I did apply to Liberty University in VA just to 'see what would happen.') So unless/until He clearly tells me that college is not where He wants me in this season, I will pursue it. But I just want to know! I am trying not to grow impatient, and don't want to get ahead of His timing, but I mean, it is rather pertinent that I know what His plans are, and soon too! Although, it has become far too obvious that, for some reason, He never seems to be in much of a hurry. Perhaps because He is not affected by pressure or stressed by deadlines--all I can say is: ha, ha, it must be nice!
So I think this all comes back once again to the reoccurring issue of: trust. Although He has been teaching me the importance of trust for the past eight months at least, He inevitably manages to find something else in my life with which I must constantly trust Him. Each time, the situations progressively become more difficult; once I trust Him in one instance, another, harder one is soon to follow! You know, one would think I'd have caught on by now or something, but it just continues to get more and more complicated. I mean, I know without a doubt that He'll take care of me, that He works everything out for my good, and that He will lead me in the right direction so I will walk in His plan. But currently, I am being asked to trust beyond that--to trust God entirely for the 'not-yet-seen.' That's when it gets really difficult. When you trust for something very specific--especially something that you've waited for/prayed for for what seems like an eternity. He is answering many prayers and has been showing me things, but He is asking me to step-out in faith and believe for the things He's promised me (things which I have not yet seen manifested in the physical). All I know (or have to go on) is what He's whispered to my heart--this is a tricky and scary place to be, especially when one's heart is completely involved...and it's clear that whatever choice is made, will determine both the direction and the remainder of one's life. So why is trusting so hard? Why when God tells us something, do we still, inevitably allow doubts to whisper in our ears and distract us? Why is it so difficult to simply take God at His word? Why do we constantly rationalize/analyze with our minds why things can/cannot work out, when God clearly says it will? Why do we insist on viewing life and our future only by what we see manifested in the physical instead of simply focusing on what God says to our hearts? Why do we limit God, believing Him incapable of working out situations? Why do we repeatedly question Him about things when He consistently says, "I've got this!" Again and again, He proves Himself faithful and comes through for us; we praise Him for His truth, but when the next "obstacle" comes along, we again doubt and question Him. Why do we do this?
Sadly, I lack answers for all these questions. I wish more than anything to know why trusting seems to be so difficult. And I desire more than anything to be able to trust God without borders and believe Him without any hesitation! I don't understand why our minds struggle so, to simply believe and come into agreement with His promises. But of one thing, I am certain: He is a God of abounding grace. If you are struggling too with trusting Him for things, be reminded that He does not look down on or condemn those who struggle to trust...instead, He takes you by the hand and leads you, showing you clearly the way you are to go. He will gently coax you forward and will patiently continue leading you step-by-step, revealing things to you until you can believe completely! He will never lead you on a wild-goose chase, everything is for a reason. He is also willing to take it slowly; He will never give you anything you are not ready to handle--He is aware of your limits.
So be encouraged...if you struggle to trust, you are in good company; I mean, look at Thomas in the Bible...he knew Jesus (had a close relationship with Him) but when Christ returned from the dead just as He had promised He would, Thomas did not believe that the Man standing before him was really Jesus! Jesus was standing before him once again in flesh and blood, and Thomas still doubted! But Jesus was patient with him and revealed to him the marks in His side and hands as proof of His existence. Likewise, God will confirm things to you as many times as you need Him to! He will not allow you to miss His plan and miss out on anything He has for you--so be confident in this: He will not let you down, and He is not "put off" in the least by your unbelief. Instead, He will do whatever it takes to help you believe because He doesn't want you missing out on anything He has for you!
Also, speaking of trust, I just wanted to take a minute to thank and honor those who have/are trusting God as they serve Him out of the country. So many of my friends are currently away on mission trips, and I admire their steadfast trust (being a missionary requires an extensive amount of trust in Him)! Several of my friends still remain in Puerto Rico, teaching/mentoring children at the Deaf School; another friend is ministering to orphans in India; others are reaching out to people in China; still another friend is serving and rebuilding in South Africa; and my cousin is attending ministry school in New Zealand in preparation to travel to another country for out-reach. So I just want to say: way to go, you guys! I am so proud of you all for saying 'Yes' to Jesus and following Him where He's led you! Thank you for being His hands and feet and for showing the love of Christ to others! You guys are amazing and I greatly applaud your trust and devotion to our Lord! You're in my prayers; miss you all!
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
His Plans Far Exceed Ours!
This past month has had its challenging moments to be sure....Including the extreme differences between the monotony of daily events and the random situations that suddenly arise without warning; although such is life. And already this month, I have said 'Good-bye' to each of my best friends...and it becomes increasingly difficult every time! Not to mention they're now scattered all over the world (I exaggerate not); one is at YWAM in New Zealand! So can I just say that I detest 'Good-byes?' Well, I suppose it's really only an 'Until-I-see-you-again,' but it's difficult just the same!
However, amid the struggles: loneliness, monotony, and confusion; God has again and again proven Himself faithful. From answering prayers to whispering promises in my heart, He's continually reminding me that He is here. I began a fast at the beginning of the month and amazingly, His presence has become even more tangible and His voice is ever clearer. He is still daring me to step out in faith and believe for the miraculous, and with His guidance, I am! With my eyes on His, I have lost myself in Him and am following Him step by step.
So....This brings me to my next point: I know many of you have been supporting me in prayer and I thank you from the depths of my heart! And the time for which I (we) have eagerly been awaiting has arrived; the moment for which I have worked so diligently! The day had finally come for me to hear from RIT/NTID. On their website was a notification to all applicants that if an acceptance letter had not yet been received, we were to call the Admission's Office and inquire as to the decision. I shot my mother a wide-eyed glance and with sweaty hands and unsteady breath, I quickly typed a message to a friend, requesting prayer before I called. With his prayers on the way, I sat there blankly staring at the phone in my hand for several minutes. "Okay, Lord, this is it. I am trusting that You have me in Your hands and I am prepared to receive an answer!" I steeled my nerves and dialed the number as my pulse surged and my heartbeat echoed rhythmically in my ears. Okay...deep breath. When the administrator failed to answer his phone, I left a message. Then to await his response. It was a long two hours.... Finally, the phone rang--it was RIT. My stomach lurched and adrenaline coursed through my veins. Excitement and fear assaulted my heart. This was it. Again, with sweaty palms and a shaky voice, I answered. After the grueling small talk, I pounced and asked the big question. The dude on the other end paused, and my stomach twisted into knots. "Rachel, I am very sorry to tell you, but we have not been able to grant you admission into our program...." What?! I locked the phone in a death grip and couldn't meet the eyes of those standing around me. What had just happened? I only half listened as he prattled on in the background about what a sweet kid I was, how sorry he felt and how intense the competition was. Moments later, I hung up...at least, I hope I said 'Good-bye.' Thoughts and doubts swirled in my mind like a violent hurricane. Hadn't God told me RIT was it? What had I done wrong? Had I not worked hard enough? Was I really such a lousy Signer? Were my SATs that wretched? Had I erroneously heard God's direction? Was the peace I'd been feeling, completely misguided?
I sank onto my bed and for a time, just lay there stunned and unfeeling. I had such high hopes/plans; I had been counting on RIT, I had been planning for my four-year-life in NY, I had trusted God and proceeded in this direction, and furthermore, I had trusted Him to come through! God is the God of the miraculous, and heaven knows, I was anticipating a miracle! So what happened?
On the brink of tears and near devastation, I was summoned asunder to assist with the cutting of firewood. Holding myself together the best I absolutely could, I descended and began stacking firewood. To be honest, the first thought that crossed my mind was to simply give up; don't try, don't fail, right? Perhaps ASL wasn't it. Yeah, I was so done trying...for the past year I have worked so hard--and for what?! So far, nothing. Really. I pulled my wheelbarrow through the sludgy mud and reclaimed my boot. At that moment, I realized that I had a choice to make. Would I stay angry and potentially become bitter or was I willing to just 'let it go and let Him take care of it?' When you're upset, disappointed or furious, it's so easy to stay angry and harbor those feelings. It takes work and willpower to overcome the intense feelings of injustice. So what would my response be? While I didn't 'feel like' worshiping in my disappointment, I knew that if I didn't, it would only get worse. I couldn't do this alone; only He could handle this adequately. Suddenly, I stood erect. You know what, NO!! This was not it! I was not giving up! (Despite the vexing fact that my massive woodpile collapsed twice which then required re-stacking, I began praying and seeking God earnestly.) No, giving up was so not an option! (See, my stubborn streak is at times, helpful.) I began claiming victory: I am more than a conquer through Him! All things are possible through Him who gives me strength! Greater is He who lives in me, than he who's in the world! I began re-stacking the scattered logs, "Okay Lord, to be perfectly honest, I am not feeling so cheery right now. I know that You understand and respect that, but while I fail to understand the circumstances and the reasoning behind this, I am confident that You (being God) know. So while I really feel like a loser at the moment, I CHOOSE to praise You regardless of my circumstances. I CHOOSE to continue obeying You! I CHOOSE to not allow my trying situation to obscure my prospective and I CHOOSE to continue focusing on You through this so that You may reveal to me, Your plans. I CHOOSE to allow You to handle this Your way. And I will not allow my disappointment/confusion to prevent me from praising You and seeking You!"
I began singing one of my very favorite worship songs, again claiming that regardless, my soul will continue to bless the Lord. Of course, it wasn't exactly easy at first, but I pressed on, "Lead me where my trust is without boarders....forever You are faithful!" Suddenly, it became easier and easier and within mere moments, I was lifting my voice and singing this sincerely, straight from my heart!
Once I made that decision to still praise Him and pressed on, I did an about-face. Gone were my tears of devastation and gone were my feelings of misguidance. Suddenly I was confident to rest in the fact that He had this. (2 Sam. 22:31) He is God--I am not. He knows my future and His plans therefore--I do not. Thus, I decided to trust Him. Sure, things don't always make sense to our minds, but His plans are beyond our simple minds! (Prov. 3:5-6) And considering the current circumstances, I should be panicking...but I'm not. I am instead overwhelmed by peace and confidence that He'll make a way where there seems to be none! Oddly enough, I'm not worried or concerned about any of it!
There is another application process for RIT in February (for which I'm already a candidate) so this is not completely final. But we will just need to wait and see what He does. I am confident that I know what I've heard and I am still believing for RIT. Perhaps I will be accepted after all into the program in March and this was merely a test of faith--for me to prove 'my stubbornness' and not quit. Or perhaps now is not His intended timing and I will attended RIT at a later date as a transfer student. Again, I'm not certain of His plans, however I DO know this: that whatever His plans for me are, He won't let me miss them; He is Jehovah Jirah and He will provide for me in His timing; He will give me only His best (Matt 7:7-11); and that I'll continue to obey/trust Him without borders and praise Him even with my last breath!
However, amid the struggles: loneliness, monotony, and confusion; God has again and again proven Himself faithful. From answering prayers to whispering promises in my heart, He's continually reminding me that He is here. I began a fast at the beginning of the month and amazingly, His presence has become even more tangible and His voice is ever clearer. He is still daring me to step out in faith and believe for the miraculous, and with His guidance, I am! With my eyes on His, I have lost myself in Him and am following Him step by step.
So....This brings me to my next point: I know many of you have been supporting me in prayer and I thank you from the depths of my heart! And the time for which I (we) have eagerly been awaiting has arrived; the moment for which I have worked so diligently! The day had finally come for me to hear from RIT/NTID. On their website was a notification to all applicants that if an acceptance letter had not yet been received, we were to call the Admission's Office and inquire as to the decision. I shot my mother a wide-eyed glance and with sweaty hands and unsteady breath, I quickly typed a message to a friend, requesting prayer before I called. With his prayers on the way, I sat there blankly staring at the phone in my hand for several minutes. "Okay, Lord, this is it. I am trusting that You have me in Your hands and I am prepared to receive an answer!" I steeled my nerves and dialed the number as my pulse surged and my heartbeat echoed rhythmically in my ears. Okay...deep breath. When the administrator failed to answer his phone, I left a message. Then to await his response. It was a long two hours.... Finally, the phone rang--it was RIT. My stomach lurched and adrenaline coursed through my veins. Excitement and fear assaulted my heart. This was it. Again, with sweaty palms and a shaky voice, I answered. After the grueling small talk, I pounced and asked the big question. The dude on the other end paused, and my stomach twisted into knots. "Rachel, I am very sorry to tell you, but we have not been able to grant you admission into our program...." What?! I locked the phone in a death grip and couldn't meet the eyes of those standing around me. What had just happened? I only half listened as he prattled on in the background about what a sweet kid I was, how sorry he felt and how intense the competition was. Moments later, I hung up...at least, I hope I said 'Good-bye.' Thoughts and doubts swirled in my mind like a violent hurricane. Hadn't God told me RIT was it? What had I done wrong? Had I not worked hard enough? Was I really such a lousy Signer? Were my SATs that wretched? Had I erroneously heard God's direction? Was the peace I'd been feeling, completely misguided?
I sank onto my bed and for a time, just lay there stunned and unfeeling. I had such high hopes/plans; I had been counting on RIT, I had been planning for my four-year-life in NY, I had trusted God and proceeded in this direction, and furthermore, I had trusted Him to come through! God is the God of the miraculous, and heaven knows, I was anticipating a miracle! So what happened?
On the brink of tears and near devastation, I was summoned asunder to assist with the cutting of firewood. Holding myself together the best I absolutely could, I descended and began stacking firewood. To be honest, the first thought that crossed my mind was to simply give up; don't try, don't fail, right? Perhaps ASL wasn't it. Yeah, I was so done trying...for the past year I have worked so hard--and for what?! So far, nothing. Really. I pulled my wheelbarrow through the sludgy mud and reclaimed my boot. At that moment, I realized that I had a choice to make. Would I stay angry and potentially become bitter or was I willing to just 'let it go and let Him take care of it?' When you're upset, disappointed or furious, it's so easy to stay angry and harbor those feelings. It takes work and willpower to overcome the intense feelings of injustice. So what would my response be? While I didn't 'feel like' worshiping in my disappointment, I knew that if I didn't, it would only get worse. I couldn't do this alone; only He could handle this adequately. Suddenly, I stood erect. You know what, NO!! This was not it! I was not giving up! (Despite the vexing fact that my massive woodpile collapsed twice which then required re-stacking, I began praying and seeking God earnestly.) No, giving up was so not an option! (See, my stubborn streak is at times, helpful.) I began claiming victory: I am more than a conquer through Him! All things are possible through Him who gives me strength! Greater is He who lives in me, than he who's in the world! I began re-stacking the scattered logs, "Okay Lord, to be perfectly honest, I am not feeling so cheery right now. I know that You understand and respect that, but while I fail to understand the circumstances and the reasoning behind this, I am confident that You (being God) know. So while I really feel like a loser at the moment, I CHOOSE to praise You regardless of my circumstances. I CHOOSE to continue obeying You! I CHOOSE to not allow my trying situation to obscure my prospective and I CHOOSE to continue focusing on You through this so that You may reveal to me, Your plans. I CHOOSE to allow You to handle this Your way. And I will not allow my disappointment/confusion to prevent me from praising You and seeking You!"
I began singing one of my very favorite worship songs, again claiming that regardless, my soul will continue to bless the Lord. Of course, it wasn't exactly easy at first, but I pressed on, "Lead me where my trust is without boarders....forever You are faithful!" Suddenly, it became easier and easier and within mere moments, I was lifting my voice and singing this sincerely, straight from my heart!
Once I made that decision to still praise Him and pressed on, I did an about-face. Gone were my tears of devastation and gone were my feelings of misguidance. Suddenly I was confident to rest in the fact that He had this. (2 Sam. 22:31) He is God--I am not. He knows my future and His plans therefore--I do not. Thus, I decided to trust Him. Sure, things don't always make sense to our minds, but His plans are beyond our simple minds! (Prov. 3:5-6) And considering the current circumstances, I should be panicking...but I'm not. I am instead overwhelmed by peace and confidence that He'll make a way where there seems to be none! Oddly enough, I'm not worried or concerned about any of it!
There is another application process for RIT in February (for which I'm already a candidate) so this is not completely final. But we will just need to wait and see what He does. I am confident that I know what I've heard and I am still believing for RIT. Perhaps I will be accepted after all into the program in March and this was merely a test of faith--for me to prove 'my stubbornness' and not quit. Or perhaps now is not His intended timing and I will attended RIT at a later date as a transfer student. Again, I'm not certain of His plans, however I DO know this: that whatever His plans for me are, He won't let me miss them; He is Jehovah Jirah and He will provide for me in His timing; He will give me only His best (Matt 7:7-11); and that I'll continue to obey/trust Him without borders and praise Him even with my last breath!
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Proceeding: The Importance of Confidence!
Ever since visiting RIT on June 14th, I have prayed earnestly and sought God's direction for my life with renewed fervor. I knew that He'd make His plans clear to me when His perfect time came--but somehow it never really occurred to me that His timing is seldom (or ever) the same as ours. We are so impatient and desire immediate action; whereas God is simply content to take His good ol' time. He's God and does things when He wants to do them. We are left with no choice but to simply wait (patiently.) So for the duration of these past 6 months, I have come to the painful conclusion that I'm rather impatient. I realize this is part of our human nature, but still.... My heart's cry was, "Please Lord, show me Your plans so that I may go do what You want me to do!" (I was/am beyond eager to help others and do things in His name.) Since I am typically a "go-getter" and dislike sitting around wasting my time, waiting was difficult, to say the least. So while this may sound like an honorable plea, I failed to understand the vital importance of simply waiting patiently. Patience is so incredibly important because it's during this necessary period of waiting that we should spend time with Him; receiving strength from Him, getting lost in Him, and allowing Him to fill us with His love, presence, and peace. He also does an amazing work in our hearts and begins forming us into His imagine--if, of course, we allow Him to. If we lack patience and don't allow Him to work in our hearts, then how can He make us into the people we need to be? And if we don't make time for Him, how can He change us? We cannot minister to or help others if we ourselves don't understand God's heart.... We can't give what we don't have. Thus, we must be patient and take the time to allow God to pour into us and reveal His heart to us, so that we can then share it with others. We must be full of God so that we can impact others! Change begins with us!
So for the past 6 months, this change has been occurring in my life and God has certainly been doing an extraordinary work in my heart! My passion for Him has been reignited, my heart is hidden in Him, His voice is now easily heard, and His presence is now so easily felt! Sure, those 6 months were rather frustrating and at times painful, but they were so vitally important in my walk with the Lord and were so very worth it.
So during the period of patiently waiting (sometimes more patiently than others) questions soared through my mind. "God, where I am to go next? What is it You want me to do? How am I to proceed from here?!" The only repeated answer I heard was, "Be still and know that I am God! I know the plans I have for you. Continue straight ahead." Thus, I have continued pursuing RIT and have been planning accordingly. However, I will admit that RIT has not been the only thing that's demanded patience and quiet pursuance. Again, when many things occur and the only thing God says is, "Trust Me, I've got this. Continue straight ahead," it is fairly--no, exceedingly, frustrating.
Within these past few weeks, I have begun to feel that the period of 'waiting patiently' is slowly transforming into something else. God is finally beginning to answer some of those questions with a response slightly more encouraging than, "Simply trust Me." I believe He's asking me step out into some of the things I have been waiting patiently for. This is exhilarating, yet terrifying!
So allow me to explain: the first week of the month was the beginning of hunting season and a friend came to hunt for the weekend. When I shot a doe but couldn't find any evidence that I'd hit her, I became anxious--okay fine, I went crazy! I'd been hunting for years and knew what I was doing....So what was with this?! Let's just say that, due to this and a previous situation, my self-confidence plummeted drastically! I began doubting myself and my abilities. My fellow tracker however was exceedingly encouraging to me and helped to boost my spirits. But even after we found my doe, I still lacked my former self-confidence. What was happening? I prayed long and hard about this sudden lack of confidence--I wanted/needed it back! Then I heard a teaching from John Maxwell who spoke on the importance of confidence and how to attain it. I was greatly impacted by what he had to say. So for the next several days, with much prayer, I realized that God had taken my quest to obtain personal confidence to an entirely new level! I suddenly was understanding the vital importance of not only having confidence in oneself physically, but spiritually, too! I'd always thought of confidence as a form of physical strength; to stand bravely before a crowd of people took confidence. But suddenly I realized that in order to proceed spiritually and accept the things God has for us, confidence is required as well; confidence to step out and trust God for the impossible and confidence in oneself (to hear His voice) when pursuing His plans for one's life. This completely changed my perspective on things!
All of a sudden, the Lord began showing me that it's time for me to begin stepping out and proceeding in the things He has planned for me. His plans are far greater than I can even imagine....But it's time for me to take the next step; take a step of faith into the unknown and trust that He knows what He's doing. To be honest, it's rather frightening to step out into the unknown and take a risk; especially when one's heart is involved. I mean, what if things don't work out? I don't know the future. What if my heart isn't safe? What if something dreadful happens? How then, would I proceed?
But here's His response to my hesitance: "Don't be afraid to trust Me! I'm protecting your heart. As long as you don't get ahead of Me and continue listening to My instructions, you have nothing to worry about! Being anxious of uncertainty is normal, but wonderful things seldom happen without it costing something. For example, if a quarterback was too nervous to get on the field and throw, then how could he expect to get a touchdown? He won't score by standing on the sidelines. He must first take a risk and play before he can procure his victory. Success requires action! If you're scared and withdraw because of fear, then how will you advance and procure the amazing things I have for you? Sometimes you just need to let go, let Me, and advance; taking a step in faith. You cannot get anything without stepping out and receiving. When Peter walked towards Jesus on the water, he first had to step out of the safety of the boat and take a leap of faith before he could walk on the water. As long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he was fine. And He didn't let him drown! Same here, I'm asking you to step out in faith--and if you keep your eyes on Me, you won't drown. I never set you up for failure! I go behind you and before you, and hold you in My hands. Please don't doubt Me! Just trust Me on this. Please take My hand and c'mon; walk with Me on the water! Will you let go and trust Me with your heart? I know the plans I have for you--you don't know them all yet, so let go, let Me; step out of the boat (into the unknown) and go with it! Watch Me work My plans into completion! When I call you into the unknown, it's because I'm waiting before you. I would never lead you into failure! So many amazing things lie just before you, and I'm waiting for you to step out and claim/accept them. I have many fantastic plans before you, but you must step forward to walk into them. Do not allow fear to hold you back from some of the greatest things I have for you! Fear is the exact opposite of confidence and boldness. Don't stop now! I'm telling you to proceed boldly and accept your blessing! What are you afraid of? I only desire to bless you!"
Suddenly I realized that the incident with the silly deer was for a reason. God was using that to teach me the significance of confidence, not only in a physical sense but also spiritually. I now understand how vitally important it is to have confidence--especially when it concerns the things of God. The truth of this struck me like a well-aimed blow to the jaw. Spiritual confidence is always required in your walk with God! And it may not always be an easy thing to obtain, but taking time to hear God's voice, trusting His word, understanding His plans for you, agreeing to His call on your life, and living for Him are certainly necessary for gaining confidence. And once you get to this point and are spiritually confident, physical confidence will come forth, from it!
So for the past 6 months, this change has been occurring in my life and God has certainly been doing an extraordinary work in my heart! My passion for Him has been reignited, my heart is hidden in Him, His voice is now easily heard, and His presence is now so easily felt! Sure, those 6 months were rather frustrating and at times painful, but they were so vitally important in my walk with the Lord and were so very worth it.
So during the period of patiently waiting (sometimes more patiently than others) questions soared through my mind. "God, where I am to go next? What is it You want me to do? How am I to proceed from here?!" The only repeated answer I heard was, "Be still and know that I am God! I know the plans I have for you. Continue straight ahead." Thus, I have continued pursuing RIT and have been planning accordingly. However, I will admit that RIT has not been the only thing that's demanded patience and quiet pursuance. Again, when many things occur and the only thing God says is, "Trust Me, I've got this. Continue straight ahead," it is fairly--no, exceedingly, frustrating.
Within these past few weeks, I have begun to feel that the period of 'waiting patiently' is slowly transforming into something else. God is finally beginning to answer some of those questions with a response slightly more encouraging than, "Simply trust Me." I believe He's asking me step out into some of the things I have been waiting patiently for. This is exhilarating, yet terrifying!
So allow me to explain: the first week of the month was the beginning of hunting season and a friend came to hunt for the weekend. When I shot a doe but couldn't find any evidence that I'd hit her, I became anxious--okay fine, I went crazy! I'd been hunting for years and knew what I was doing....So what was with this?! Let's just say that, due to this and a previous situation, my self-confidence plummeted drastically! I began doubting myself and my abilities. My fellow tracker however was exceedingly encouraging to me and helped to boost my spirits. But even after we found my doe, I still lacked my former self-confidence. What was happening? I prayed long and hard about this sudden lack of confidence--I wanted/needed it back! Then I heard a teaching from John Maxwell who spoke on the importance of confidence and how to attain it. I was greatly impacted by what he had to say. So for the next several days, with much prayer, I realized that God had taken my quest to obtain personal confidence to an entirely new level! I suddenly was understanding the vital importance of not only having confidence in oneself physically, but spiritually, too! I'd always thought of confidence as a form of physical strength; to stand bravely before a crowd of people took confidence. But suddenly I realized that in order to proceed spiritually and accept the things God has for us, confidence is required as well; confidence to step out and trust God for the impossible and confidence in oneself (to hear His voice) when pursuing His plans for one's life. This completely changed my perspective on things!
All of a sudden, the Lord began showing me that it's time for me to begin stepping out and proceeding in the things He has planned for me. His plans are far greater than I can even imagine....But it's time for me to take the next step; take a step of faith into the unknown and trust that He knows what He's doing. To be honest, it's rather frightening to step out into the unknown and take a risk; especially when one's heart is involved. I mean, what if things don't work out? I don't know the future. What if my heart isn't safe? What if something dreadful happens? How then, would I proceed?
But here's His response to my hesitance: "Don't be afraid to trust Me! I'm protecting your heart. As long as you don't get ahead of Me and continue listening to My instructions, you have nothing to worry about! Being anxious of uncertainty is normal, but wonderful things seldom happen without it costing something. For example, if a quarterback was too nervous to get on the field and throw, then how could he expect to get a touchdown? He won't score by standing on the sidelines. He must first take a risk and play before he can procure his victory. Success requires action! If you're scared and withdraw because of fear, then how will you advance and procure the amazing things I have for you? Sometimes you just need to let go, let Me, and advance; taking a step in faith. You cannot get anything without stepping out and receiving. When Peter walked towards Jesus on the water, he first had to step out of the safety of the boat and take a leap of faith before he could walk on the water. As long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he was fine. And He didn't let him drown! Same here, I'm asking you to step out in faith--and if you keep your eyes on Me, you won't drown. I never set you up for failure! I go behind you and before you, and hold you in My hands. Please don't doubt Me! Just trust Me on this. Please take My hand and c'mon; walk with Me on the water! Will you let go and trust Me with your heart? I know the plans I have for you--you don't know them all yet, so let go, let Me; step out of the boat (into the unknown) and go with it! Watch Me work My plans into completion! When I call you into the unknown, it's because I'm waiting before you. I would never lead you into failure! So many amazing things lie just before you, and I'm waiting for you to step out and claim/accept them. I have many fantastic plans before you, but you must step forward to walk into them. Do not allow fear to hold you back from some of the greatest things I have for you! Fear is the exact opposite of confidence and boldness. Don't stop now! I'm telling you to proceed boldly and accept your blessing! What are you afraid of? I only desire to bless you!"
Suddenly I realized that the incident with the silly deer was for a reason. God was using that to teach me the significance of confidence, not only in a physical sense but also spiritually. I now understand how vitally important it is to have confidence--especially when it concerns the things of God. The truth of this struck me like a well-aimed blow to the jaw. Spiritual confidence is always required in your walk with God! And it may not always be an easy thing to obtain, but taking time to hear God's voice, trusting His word, understanding His plans for you, agreeing to His call on your life, and living for Him are certainly necessary for gaining confidence. And once you get to this point and are spiritually confident, physical confidence will come forth, from it!
Monday, December 2, 2013
Giving It All I've Got!
These fall months leading into winter inevitably seem to be the longest and most difficult; perhaps it is because of the holidays and Christmas is just around the corner. But regardless of the reason, I can honestly say that for me personally, October and November have been a few of the most 'complicated' months; stressful physically due to my mile-long to-do list and fatiguing emotionally/spiritually because God has been taking me on yet another adventure and is asking more things of me. (I'm not complaining, because I know that when we're stretched, we grow, but it's tiring just the same.)
Last month, I shared about how nothing seemed to be working out and my seemingly constant struggle to trust Him with everything. Let me simply add that trust is neither something we learn immediately nor is it a trait we master overnight--such things require both time and patience. Clearly, I am still working on this....
Also, I did successfully take my SAT Exam at the beginning of last month. (Check that off my list of things to do.) Finally, after three weeks of waiting anxiously, I received my new scores: not only were they better than I had anticipated, but they surpassed my previous scores by over 150 points! Even my math score had increased dramatically. Miracles really do happen, guys! I was elated with this new development. After all, God had assured me that He would take care of my scores; but why was it still so difficult for me to believe for a miracle? Why does trusting God completely seem so daunting?
Next on my list for this month was my application for RIT/NTID--the only college that I wish to attend. As my first ever college application, I was unaware as to how extensive the process was. And it not only required terrible amounts of documents and information....It was also mandatory to write a 2-page essay explaining in detail all of my various experiences with the Deaf throughout the past four years (this was a long list of interactions.) I thoroughly enjoyed writing my essay; I mean, after all, I was writing about signing, both of which I love--so it was altogether a win-win! So I completed the remainder of my application. But then, there was another aspect I had not considered before...I was unaware that I also needed to create a video all in ASL and explain my family, where I live, what ASL classes I have taken over the years, and why I want to become an interpreter. Believe it or not, this was by far, the most challenging of all. I absolutely love ASL, but it's so much easier to interpret and much easier to relax when I'm having a signed discussion than signing a video that will be a critiqued by ASL professionals. There was an long list of rules/regulations regarding this video and I was terribly nervous. I had to remember what I wanted to sign and perform it, unrehearsed. Long story short, I confronted problem after problem...I had one great first take (but the lighting was awful) so I took another and another, and they progressively became worse. If I was not anxious before, you could imagine how nervous I was by the third take. The deadline was rapidly approaching and with the holiday, it was difficult to find time to take another. Finally...finally, I took another and to my great amazement, it was a success! Another miracle I've witnessed.
So after praying over my essay, application and video, I submitted the entire package. And all I can say is: I have applied, written and signed to the best of my ability. And my best is all I've got. This is the direction in which I believe the Lord is leading me and I'm giving it completely to Him. Now, does this mean that I'm not at all 'apprehensive?' Absolutely not. There are times when fear and doubt whisper in my ear, taunting me, saying that my endeavors are useless and reminding me that RIT is my only option. I mean, I don't have a plan 'B' so what happens if RIT doesn't come through? I am slightly anxious because I have done all I can and the results are still unknown, but the peace that I feel knowing that this is all in the Lord's hands now, is amazing. I am letting go and letting God. I'm now stepping back and am excited to watch Him work things out!
As I was praying, I felt this is what He told me regarding my application: "Am I not God? I've told you, I am the God of the miraculous. Everything in My plan works out to perfection. I take the tiniest thing and make it a success. I can do anything! You are in My will--I've got you. So what makes you think I won't see this through? If I start something, I always finish it and bring it through to completion! My plans always succeed. Unlike mankind, I don't need to plan around failures and make plan 'Bs'--My will is spoken into existence and it takes place when I say. It's as simple as that! Your best is all you can do--but your best isn't My best! Just do this and let the rest up to Me. You can do all things through Me! Impossible is not a word in My vocabulary. Give it to Me and prepare to be amazed. This is the next step--and I give you My blessing. I'm the God of the impossible. Remember, I don't call the qualified, I qualify the called!"
My cousin recently told me, "God's plans have already been decided and His plans are always successful. Nothing you can do can change the plan that He already has in progress!" He opens doors that no man can shut. I am greatly encouraged by all of this and am totally giving this to Him. My life is His. Period. He knows what my future holds, I don't. So I am trusting that His will be done!
And thank you to everyone who's supported/prayed for me during this adventure; I have had my good days and my bad ones; days I hear God's voice clearer than others, but thank you for standing by my side and for encouraging me! Love you all.
Last month, I shared about how nothing seemed to be working out and my seemingly constant struggle to trust Him with everything. Let me simply add that trust is neither something we learn immediately nor is it a trait we master overnight--such things require both time and patience. Clearly, I am still working on this....
Also, I did successfully take my SAT Exam at the beginning of last month. (Check that off my list of things to do.) Finally, after three weeks of waiting anxiously, I received my new scores: not only were they better than I had anticipated, but they surpassed my previous scores by over 150 points! Even my math score had increased dramatically. Miracles really do happen, guys! I was elated with this new development. After all, God had assured me that He would take care of my scores; but why was it still so difficult for me to believe for a miracle? Why does trusting God completely seem so daunting?
Next on my list for this month was my application for RIT/NTID--the only college that I wish to attend. As my first ever college application, I was unaware as to how extensive the process was. And it not only required terrible amounts of documents and information....It was also mandatory to write a 2-page essay explaining in detail all of my various experiences with the Deaf throughout the past four years (this was a long list of interactions.) I thoroughly enjoyed writing my essay; I mean, after all, I was writing about signing, both of which I love--so it was altogether a win-win! So I completed the remainder of my application. But then, there was another aspect I had not considered before...I was unaware that I also needed to create a video all in ASL and explain my family, where I live, what ASL classes I have taken over the years, and why I want to become an interpreter. Believe it or not, this was by far, the most challenging of all. I absolutely love ASL, but it's so much easier to interpret and much easier to relax when I'm having a signed discussion than signing a video that will be a critiqued by ASL professionals. There was an long list of rules/regulations regarding this video and I was terribly nervous. I had to remember what I wanted to sign and perform it, unrehearsed. Long story short, I confronted problem after problem...I had one great first take (but the lighting was awful) so I took another and another, and they progressively became worse. If I was not anxious before, you could imagine how nervous I was by the third take. The deadline was rapidly approaching and with the holiday, it was difficult to find time to take another. Finally...finally, I took another and to my great amazement, it was a success! Another miracle I've witnessed.
So after praying over my essay, application and video, I submitted the entire package. And all I can say is: I have applied, written and signed to the best of my ability. And my best is all I've got. This is the direction in which I believe the Lord is leading me and I'm giving it completely to Him. Now, does this mean that I'm not at all 'apprehensive?' Absolutely not. There are times when fear and doubt whisper in my ear, taunting me, saying that my endeavors are useless and reminding me that RIT is my only option. I mean, I don't have a plan 'B' so what happens if RIT doesn't come through? I am slightly anxious because I have done all I can and the results are still unknown, but the peace that I feel knowing that this is all in the Lord's hands now, is amazing. I am letting go and letting God. I'm now stepping back and am excited to watch Him work things out!
As I was praying, I felt this is what He told me regarding my application: "Am I not God? I've told you, I am the God of the miraculous. Everything in My plan works out to perfection. I take the tiniest thing and make it a success. I can do anything! You are in My will--I've got you. So what makes you think I won't see this through? If I start something, I always finish it and bring it through to completion! My plans always succeed. Unlike mankind, I don't need to plan around failures and make plan 'Bs'--My will is spoken into existence and it takes place when I say. It's as simple as that! Your best is all you can do--but your best isn't My best! Just do this and let the rest up to Me. You can do all things through Me! Impossible is not a word in My vocabulary. Give it to Me and prepare to be amazed. This is the next step--and I give you My blessing. I'm the God of the impossible. Remember, I don't call the qualified, I qualify the called!"
My cousin recently told me, "God's plans have already been decided and His plans are always successful. Nothing you can do can change the plan that He already has in progress!" He opens doors that no man can shut. I am greatly encouraged by all of this and am totally giving this to Him. My life is His. Period. He knows what my future holds, I don't. So I am trusting that His will be done!
And thank you to everyone who's supported/prayed for me during this adventure; I have had my good days and my bad ones; days I hear God's voice clearer than others, but thank you for standing by my side and for encouraging me! Love you all.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Trust: If It Doesn't Kill You....
I presume that many of you have heard the phrase, 'If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." I have not realized until recently how exceedingly true this is. You see, it's been months and I am still struggling with trusting the Lord completely in every aspect of my life. While I know everyone struggles with this at some point in their walk with God, I feel as if it's taking me forever.
Allow me to present a sneak-peak into the most recent bumpy part of my walk with God: welcome to the "real me." You may be surprised at the things you learn about me from this, but I'm being completely real and am telling you how it is. Perhaps God will reveal something to you while you read this and I hope it's an encouragement if you're walking through a similar situation.
Months ago, the Lord really got my attention and asked me to give to Him a personal situation that was life-changing and very important to me. I am saddened to admit, I was hesitant. (I am chagrined to say that I am a planner...I need to know what is happening and when. Thus I am most definitely not a fan of uncertainty and I dislike secrets for this very reason.) So, as you can see, it is difficult for me to just 'let go' without knowing the outcome! It terrifies me, especially if I know it will effect me and I can do nothing about it. Putting myself and everything I know into the hands of someone else to do whatever they please, and not knowing what that is, is utterly distressing. However, I trusted the Lord. I truly loved Him more than anything and I trusted Him to lead me on the correct path; my life was in His hands and I was willing to go where He led me. I also understood that things should be surrendered to Him in obedience and faith. I had already sincerely given my life to Him and I would do whatever He called me to. However, while I trusted Him to lead my life, I had noticed there again seemed to be things (dreams/plans for the future) that I hadn't realized I had my heart set on. I knew I had given them to Him before, but subconsciously, I had apparently snatched them up again, burdening myself once more with worry and doubt. It was not because of pride or deceitful intentions, I was simply thinking about them and imagining how my life would look once they became more involved. I had no problem trusting Him to watch out for me, but it became painful when my heart and my dreams for the future become entangled.
I was still wrestling with my flesh that screamed, "Don't do it! Don't trust Him, it's a trick!" And my Spirit contradicting, "Honestly, it's not that difficult. Just give it to Him, already!" So the battle raged on inside my head. Why am I so afraid to give it to Him? He's God, He works all things for my good. But if I gave it to Him, what was He going to do with it? How would He take care of it? Would He handle it the way I thought it should be dealt with? And would it end with the results I wanted?
These questions assaulted my mind and the only answer I received from Him was, "Am I not God? Trust Me with this. I have only your best in mind." So shortly thereafter, when I agreed to trust Him with the personal situation, He suddenly began asking for everything. "Give Me everything," He whispered, "I'll take care of it. You can trust Me to do what's best for you! I've got this!" When it suddenly involved more, the old doubts began returning. Despite the fact that I wanted God to lead my life, I was still slightly anxious (for the reason of uncertainty.) He wanted it all?! But what if His plans didn't match what I expected to happen? My heart was still on the line...and so was everything!
Goodness! Do you see how wretched was my confusion of doubt and my lack of faith?!
I was exhausted--I was so done with doubting and fighting. I'd given Him the previous issue, what was a little more? So I gave it all to Him. Again, I gave Him my life, my dreams, my heart and even my thoughts! For about three days, I felt fabulous; I was overwhelmed with peace and the assurance that He had it under control....Until things began happening. One directly after another. This was practically how it transpired: one day something happened that challenged my faith, I sought God and once more gave it to Him. Then, before I knew it, another challenging situation arose and again, my faith was tested; each time by something more difficult. Again and again, week after week; month after month--and there I was. I wasn't hearing frequently from my family in Puerto Rico, I was beyond terrified with taking the SAT Exam, I didn't know my results yet, I had heard nothing from RIT, I had no friends close-by to talk to, I hadn't talked to/seen my sister in months, I was stressed with applications and scholarships for college, schoolwork was driving me crazy, and it seemed that anything that could possibly go wrong, was. I was stuck with nowhere to turn. Except to God. And the only thing He said was, "Just relax! Trust Me with everything!" which is not exactly what one wants to hear at a time such as that.
Then, when I wasn't sure if it could get much worse, my new-ish laptop crashed and needed to be sent in for repair. (I know it seems trivial now, but at the time....) It seemed that if I had one good day, then I could count on the next one being a terrible one--something always happened; I'd give it immediately to God, feel better for the time being, then something else would happen. For weeks this infuriating cycle ensued. Though struggling, I continued giving it all to God. Why was this happening? Everything was transpiring around me in a whirlwind and there was literally nothing I could do about it. My worst nightmare was occurring before my very eyes! All my "control" was being stripped away and I could only wait and believe that He had it.
The very next day, I received my SAT test scores. They were not what I'd hoped for. I was devastated. I had completed the test and had entrusted it to Him. Perhaps I had expected a miracle, but when I saw my grade, I felt dismayed and rejected. I finally gave it to Him for the umpteenth time.
I awoke the next morning feeling better than I had in weeks and came down stairs, unsuspecting. I was in for a surprise. Mom informed me that they had found issues with my computer and the repairs would be costly--requiring nearly all that I had earned this summer. That was it. I completely lost it. Seeking the solitude of my room, I expressed my frustration, my confusion, etc. "God, that's it! This is entirely too much! It's been months and I can't do this any longer! I am so exhausted and I am so done! I just can't handle this! What are You doing?"
His response? "I love the cry of a burdened child--because they're crying out to Me! I love hearing a heart longing for me--it's a precious melody. And the fact that you're crying out to Me is proof that you're willing to submit your plans to me.
"I also want to see how you'll react when I take all of your 'control' away. You are virtually 'helpless' and I'm wondering, what will you do? Will you try it on your own? Will you make a big scene? Or will you simply let go, let Me, and trust Me? I never said this would be easy, in fact, I warned you this would be difficult. I am testing you and want to see how you'll react. It's during the trials that your true colors show. Where and to whom will you turn? What/who will you depend on and trust? It's easy to trust Me when life is peachy--but what about when it's not?
"Additionally, you are doing so well with trusting Me. This is becoming too easy for you; so I decided to take it another step further. And of course it's difficult--it's a test! If it were easy, you should be concerned, because it wouldn't be serving it's correct purpose. It's meant to test and challenge you. If you went your own way, it'd be easy for a time, but honestly, trusting Someone you cannot physically see, touch or hear is difficult. So the fact that you're struggling is a wonderful thing; it means that you're not going your own way--you're willing to follow Me and you are! And believe Me, I have promised not to give you more than you can bear. And I know you better than you do--I know what you're capable of. I know exactly how far to stretch you without breaking you! This is strictly for your benefit. Do not be passive or take this lightly. How you respond to this will effect your future. I am preparing you for your destiny. I am molding/crafting you into a beautiful masterpiece--but you first must go through the refining fires. Only the strongest survive this. But only once you've withstood, and emerge on the other side, will you receive the things I have for you and the blessings I've procured for you. So I pose this question: Will you forge on ahead (and receive all I have for you)...or retreat and miss My plan? Come! Take My hand!"
What was there for me to say after that? But I will tell you though, when I lost it and cried, "I can't do this anymore," and admitted complete defeat and truly, honestly submitted my will to Him, things seemed to change instantly. I was overwhelmed with peace, the stress of applications, the frustration of missing my sister, my dismay at my test results, all seemed minimal. I was no longer worried about them. Suddenly I could say aloud with total confidence, "They're safe in His care." Whatever happens, happens; whether it's how I envisioned it or not. Because it will be the result of HIS Holy will, not my sorry attempt to make things work. Several things have changed for the better and while there are still things I'm uncertain of, I trust that He'll tell me when He's ready. And I am convinced that all of this transpired to bring me to that total place of surrender when I said, "I can't do this!" Because in my own strength, I can do nothing--but through Him, all things are possible! This is proof that He works all things for good! I feel I have grown so much in my walk with God during this intense conditioning. And I wouldn't trade it for the world--because it's during the trials that we grow closer to Him! So please, when He asks you to give something to Him, don't blow Him off or give Him a half-hearted attempt. Give it to Him completely and you will save yourself much anxiety.
Allow me to present a sneak-peak into the most recent bumpy part of my walk with God: welcome to the "real me." You may be surprised at the things you learn about me from this, but I'm being completely real and am telling you how it is. Perhaps God will reveal something to you while you read this and I hope it's an encouragement if you're walking through a similar situation.
Months ago, the Lord really got my attention and asked me to give to Him a personal situation that was life-changing and very important to me. I am saddened to admit, I was hesitant. (I am chagrined to say that I am a planner...I need to know what is happening and when. Thus I am most definitely not a fan of uncertainty and I dislike secrets for this very reason.) So, as you can see, it is difficult for me to just 'let go' without knowing the outcome! It terrifies me, especially if I know it will effect me and I can do nothing about it. Putting myself and everything I know into the hands of someone else to do whatever they please, and not knowing what that is, is utterly distressing. However, I trusted the Lord. I truly loved Him more than anything and I trusted Him to lead me on the correct path; my life was in His hands and I was willing to go where He led me. I also understood that things should be surrendered to Him in obedience and faith. I had already sincerely given my life to Him and I would do whatever He called me to. However, while I trusted Him to lead my life, I had noticed there again seemed to be things (dreams/plans for the future) that I hadn't realized I had my heart set on. I knew I had given them to Him before, but subconsciously, I had apparently snatched them up again, burdening myself once more with worry and doubt. It was not because of pride or deceitful intentions, I was simply thinking about them and imagining how my life would look once they became more involved. I had no problem trusting Him to watch out for me, but it became painful when my heart and my dreams for the future become entangled.
I was still wrestling with my flesh that screamed, "Don't do it! Don't trust Him, it's a trick!" And my Spirit contradicting, "Honestly, it's not that difficult. Just give it to Him, already!" So the battle raged on inside my head. Why am I so afraid to give it to Him? He's God, He works all things for my good. But if I gave it to Him, what was He going to do with it? How would He take care of it? Would He handle it the way I thought it should be dealt with? And would it end with the results I wanted?
These questions assaulted my mind and the only answer I received from Him was, "Am I not God? Trust Me with this. I have only your best in mind." So shortly thereafter, when I agreed to trust Him with the personal situation, He suddenly began asking for everything. "Give Me everything," He whispered, "I'll take care of it. You can trust Me to do what's best for you! I've got this!" When it suddenly involved more, the old doubts began returning. Despite the fact that I wanted God to lead my life, I was still slightly anxious (for the reason of uncertainty.) He wanted it all?! But what if His plans didn't match what I expected to happen? My heart was still on the line...and so was everything!
Goodness! Do you see how wretched was my confusion of doubt and my lack of faith?!
I was exhausted--I was so done with doubting and fighting. I'd given Him the previous issue, what was a little more? So I gave it all to Him. Again, I gave Him my life, my dreams, my heart and even my thoughts! For about three days, I felt fabulous; I was overwhelmed with peace and the assurance that He had it under control....Until things began happening. One directly after another. This was practically how it transpired: one day something happened that challenged my faith, I sought God and once more gave it to Him. Then, before I knew it, another challenging situation arose and again, my faith was tested; each time by something more difficult. Again and again, week after week; month after month--and there I was. I wasn't hearing frequently from my family in Puerto Rico, I was beyond terrified with taking the SAT Exam, I didn't know my results yet, I had heard nothing from RIT, I had no friends close-by to talk to, I hadn't talked to/seen my sister in months, I was stressed with applications and scholarships for college, schoolwork was driving me crazy, and it seemed that anything that could possibly go wrong, was. I was stuck with nowhere to turn. Except to God. And the only thing He said was, "Just relax! Trust Me with everything!" which is not exactly what one wants to hear at a time such as that.
Then, when I wasn't sure if it could get much worse, my new-ish laptop crashed and needed to be sent in for repair. (I know it seems trivial now, but at the time....) It seemed that if I had one good day, then I could count on the next one being a terrible one--something always happened; I'd give it immediately to God, feel better for the time being, then something else would happen. For weeks this infuriating cycle ensued. Though struggling, I continued giving it all to God. Why was this happening? Everything was transpiring around me in a whirlwind and there was literally nothing I could do about it. My worst nightmare was occurring before my very eyes! All my "control" was being stripped away and I could only wait and believe that He had it.
The very next day, I received my SAT test scores. They were not what I'd hoped for. I was devastated. I had completed the test and had entrusted it to Him. Perhaps I had expected a miracle, but when I saw my grade, I felt dismayed and rejected. I finally gave it to Him for the umpteenth time.
I awoke the next morning feeling better than I had in weeks and came down stairs, unsuspecting. I was in for a surprise. Mom informed me that they had found issues with my computer and the repairs would be costly--requiring nearly all that I had earned this summer. That was it. I completely lost it. Seeking the solitude of my room, I expressed my frustration, my confusion, etc. "God, that's it! This is entirely too much! It's been months and I can't do this any longer! I am so exhausted and I am so done! I just can't handle this! What are You doing?"
His response? "I love the cry of a burdened child--because they're crying out to Me! I love hearing a heart longing for me--it's a precious melody. And the fact that you're crying out to Me is proof that you're willing to submit your plans to me.
"I also want to see how you'll react when I take all of your 'control' away. You are virtually 'helpless' and I'm wondering, what will you do? Will you try it on your own? Will you make a big scene? Or will you simply let go, let Me, and trust Me? I never said this would be easy, in fact, I warned you this would be difficult. I am testing you and want to see how you'll react. It's during the trials that your true colors show. Where and to whom will you turn? What/who will you depend on and trust? It's easy to trust Me when life is peachy--but what about when it's not?
"Additionally, you are doing so well with trusting Me. This is becoming too easy for you; so I decided to take it another step further. And of course it's difficult--it's a test! If it were easy, you should be concerned, because it wouldn't be serving it's correct purpose. It's meant to test and challenge you. If you went your own way, it'd be easy for a time, but honestly, trusting Someone you cannot physically see, touch or hear is difficult. So the fact that you're struggling is a wonderful thing; it means that you're not going your own way--you're willing to follow Me and you are! And believe Me, I have promised not to give you more than you can bear. And I know you better than you do--I know what you're capable of. I know exactly how far to stretch you without breaking you! This is strictly for your benefit. Do not be passive or take this lightly. How you respond to this will effect your future. I am preparing you for your destiny. I am molding/crafting you into a beautiful masterpiece--but you first must go through the refining fires. Only the strongest survive this. But only once you've withstood, and emerge on the other side, will you receive the things I have for you and the blessings I've procured for you. So I pose this question: Will you forge on ahead (and receive all I have for you)...or retreat and miss My plan? Come! Take My hand!"
What was there for me to say after that? But I will tell you though, when I lost it and cried, "I can't do this anymore," and admitted complete defeat and truly, honestly submitted my will to Him, things seemed to change instantly. I was overwhelmed with peace, the stress of applications, the frustration of missing my sister, my dismay at my test results, all seemed minimal. I was no longer worried about them. Suddenly I could say aloud with total confidence, "They're safe in His care." Whatever happens, happens; whether it's how I envisioned it or not. Because it will be the result of HIS Holy will, not my sorry attempt to make things work. Several things have changed for the better and while there are still things I'm uncertain of, I trust that He'll tell me when He's ready. And I am convinced that all of this transpired to bring me to that total place of surrender when I said, "I can't do this!" Because in my own strength, I can do nothing--but through Him, all things are possible! This is proof that He works all things for good! I feel I have grown so much in my walk with God during this intense conditioning. And I wouldn't trade it for the world--because it's during the trials that we grow closer to Him! So please, when He asks you to give something to Him, don't blow Him off or give Him a half-hearted attempt. Give it to Him completely and you will save yourself much anxiety.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Failure ISN'T An Option!
Gosh, it has been quite a while since I have written, or more accurately, have found time to even write. And I won't hesitate in admitting that I have truly missed it! It feels nice to write something besides essays (although, call me odd, but I enjoy writing those too.)
So perhaps I should catch you up a little on what I have been up to this past month. *Deep sigh* That's so much easier said than done. So first, give me a minute to gather my thoughts as I try to recall the recent incidents that have occurred....Okay, I think I'm good.
And while I am already in the mood of admitting things, then I may as well confess that it has taken me quite a while to settle back into life here. Transition is always difficult, no matter where you go or what you do, thus there are still moments when I feel homesickness for Puerto Rico--and I can affirm that those feelings will not vanish any time in the near future. Although, on the other hand, I must say, I have also been overwhelmed by peace and am adjusting much better than I ever thought possible. I am still seeking the Lord regarding my plans to return, and I cannot express how greatly comforted I am by the fact that "I am not done there yet," as the Lord continues reaffirming to me. I am still receiving/sending letters from/to my kids and am Skyping with them whenever possible. Also, to my great delight, I am receiving updates of the happenings in school frequently! My heart is happy!
Meanwhile, obviously, many things have been occurring in my life lately, but I want to focus specifically on the SAT exam which I took at the beginning of this month. This may seem like a strange topic of discussion, but it has been something with which I've been struggling since I have returned from Puerto Rico. I was dead serious when I admitted to my mom, "'You were smart to not tell me about the SAT until I returned from Puerto Rico...had you told me while I was still there, I quite probably would have cancelled my flight back to Pennsylvania!'" In other words, I was utterly terrified! I didn't care what anyone said/did--I was not taking that test! Whose insane idea was this?
Now this was my first SAT exam ever and I have only two words to describe the worst, crazy, stressful and most intense four hours of my entire life: Absolutely insane! Now allow me to enlighten you. I was nervous. I had never done anything even remotely similar to this--and I was going into it completely alone. However, I wasn't going as crazy as I had anticipated--and I knew that I was feeling the effects of the prayers people were sending my way. So at some un-godly hour in the morning (when I was still too asleep to even notice the time) I was left all alone on the sidewalk in front of a High School with a pencil and calculator grasped tightly in my clammy hands. From there, I was joined by dozens of other students and we were all herded down the hallways like cattle. We were forced into a crowded classroom where we were ordered to wait. The door slammed behind us with a resonating bang that rattled inside my skull, trapping us in and severing all contact we may have had with the outside world--also eradicating any chance of a possible rescue. Each passing minute was excruciating. After enduring fifteen painful minutes of orally given instructions, we were finally permitted to begin our testing. I breathed yet another prayer and took as deep a breath as I possibly could before flipping the page. I will be honest and divulge that the English sections were not difficult and in fact, I thoroughly enjoyed them--I could do them just for fun! However, the math was an entirely different story. As previously explained, I am seemingly arithmetically-impaired. I fear that particular mathematical section of my brain suffers constantly from some sort of paralysis. I truly wish I could understand the complications and rectify the situation. However, all I could do was focus and do my best. So that is exactly what I did. I sweated, I prayed, I cracked my fingers, I prayed, I rubbed my goose-bumps, I prayed and stared intently at the pages, punching in numbers like a mad-woman. Who knew you could sweat and have goose-bumps at the same time!? I never understood this, but perhaps you do, so I will pose to you this question: If they want us to preform to the best of our ability and want our best results, then why on earth would they cram us into a bright, crowded room, where the temperature constantly fluctuate? (One minute I had ice sickles dangling from my nostrils, then the next, my eyebrows were melting off my face. Supposedly there were issues with the thermostat, but seriously, who were they kidding? There were thirty adolescents stuffed into that room, nervous beyond words, sweating profusely. It was the body heat that made the temperatures skyrocket! Uh, hello?!) And in there; in that situation, is where they expect us to be at our prime performance--They expect to get our best results like that? Honestly!? Give me a test and allow me to complete it, sitting on my bed all alone in a hoodie. I can assure you I would certainly be on my game then!
Okay, okay, I'm done now--I'm off my soap box. So that was a brief overview of my first SAT experience. Keep in mind, I won't get my results back until the 24th, thus I have no idea what my results are. However, I am honestly not concerned. Not because I have faith in my academic abilities, but because the night before my test (and weeks leading up to it, I might add) I spent a great deal of time in the presence of the Lord. I lay in bed, my heartbeat thundering in my ears and sleep seeming weeks in coming. Forsaking my beauty sleep, I turned on my music to drown out the pulse pounding in my ears, turned my eyes heavenward and simply chilled with Jesus. "'Okay, Lord, what should I be doing?'" was the question ever-present on my mind. (Note: the following is His response as written in my journal.) "'Exactly what you're doing! Continue going straight ahead. And relax. You know so much more than you think you do. Don't panic, it's not a matter of life or death. And don't give up--you can do anything through Me! Trust Me...and yourself. And you know what?--I'll be right there beside you! When I'm by your side, failure isn't an option! We'll do this together--we're a team, you and Me! I will be with you, by your side--they may only see one kid walking in, but there will be two people entering that room. I'm asking you to trust Me. Am I not God? Have I ever given you a reason to doubt Me? I am your biggest fan. I would never set you up for failure! Ever. Would I have brought you this far for nothing? This is your next step towards RIT--honestly, I would never set you up for failure! If RIT is My plan for you, then why on earth would you not pass the SAT (get a good score) and be accepted to RIT? I've got this! I have lit the path before you and am waiting for you to take a step forward in faith....'" I don't know about you, but I found that to be greatly encouraging. By the time I fell asleep that night, I was totally at peace...and had the most restful sleep I'd had in days! Imagine that!
Thinking on it, it seems that everything in my life right now requires me to trust Him. I'm serious--I can't even count on my fingers how many things are going on right now that I can't do a thing about. Every single aspect of my life requires trust. There is nothing I can do, but trust Him and believe that He's got it under control. Maybe you're feeling that way right now. Maybe you feel that your life is sliding out from under you or it's being turned upside down. Perhaps everything you know and love is slipping right through your fingers and there's nothing you can do about it. It's a scary feeling isn't it? The sense of helplessness can be overwhelming. But remember, transition/trust are very confusing places to be and God has been showing me that when I'm not certain what the next step should be, I simply need to seek Him and He'll reveal to me His plans! I have to do nothing but trust Him. He promises so in His Word: Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Continue doing the last thing He told you until He tells you something new. And regardless of how it may seem, you are not in this alone--Jesus is far more interested in your problems than you are! So I believe He allows us to go through trials so we realize that when we seemingly have nothing--we really have everything (Him.) And He's all we need! Deuteronomy 4:29 says, "Seek the Lord and you'll find Him, if you search after Him with all your heart and all your soul." So be encouraged, you are not alone! He is there waiting with open arms, wanting to help you!
So perhaps I should catch you up a little on what I have been up to this past month. *Deep sigh* That's so much easier said than done. So first, give me a minute to gather my thoughts as I try to recall the recent incidents that have occurred....Okay, I think I'm good.
And while I am already in the mood of admitting things, then I may as well confess that it has taken me quite a while to settle back into life here. Transition is always difficult, no matter where you go or what you do, thus there are still moments when I feel homesickness for Puerto Rico--and I can affirm that those feelings will not vanish any time in the near future. Although, on the other hand, I must say, I have also been overwhelmed by peace and am adjusting much better than I ever thought possible. I am still seeking the Lord regarding my plans to return, and I cannot express how greatly comforted I am by the fact that "I am not done there yet," as the Lord continues reaffirming to me. I am still receiving/sending letters from/to my kids and am Skyping with them whenever possible. Also, to my great delight, I am receiving updates of the happenings in school frequently! My heart is happy!
Meanwhile, obviously, many things have been occurring in my life lately, but I want to focus specifically on the SAT exam which I took at the beginning of this month. This may seem like a strange topic of discussion, but it has been something with which I've been struggling since I have returned from Puerto Rico. I was dead serious when I admitted to my mom, "'You were smart to not tell me about the SAT until I returned from Puerto Rico...had you told me while I was still there, I quite probably would have cancelled my flight back to Pennsylvania!'" In other words, I was utterly terrified! I didn't care what anyone said/did--I was not taking that test! Whose insane idea was this?
Now this was my first SAT exam ever and I have only two words to describe the worst, crazy, stressful and most intense four hours of my entire life: Absolutely insane! Now allow me to enlighten you. I was nervous. I had never done anything even remotely similar to this--and I was going into it completely alone. However, I wasn't going as crazy as I had anticipated--and I knew that I was feeling the effects of the prayers people were sending my way. So at some un-godly hour in the morning (when I was still too asleep to even notice the time) I was left all alone on the sidewalk in front of a High School with a pencil and calculator grasped tightly in my clammy hands. From there, I was joined by dozens of other students and we were all herded down the hallways like cattle. We were forced into a crowded classroom where we were ordered to wait. The door slammed behind us with a resonating bang that rattled inside my skull, trapping us in and severing all contact we may have had with the outside world--also eradicating any chance of a possible rescue. Each passing minute was excruciating. After enduring fifteen painful minutes of orally given instructions, we were finally permitted to begin our testing. I breathed yet another prayer and took as deep a breath as I possibly could before flipping the page. I will be honest and divulge that the English sections were not difficult and in fact, I thoroughly enjoyed them--I could do them just for fun! However, the math was an entirely different story. As previously explained, I am seemingly arithmetically-impaired. I fear that particular mathematical section of my brain suffers constantly from some sort of paralysis. I truly wish I could understand the complications and rectify the situation. However, all I could do was focus and do my best. So that is exactly what I did. I sweated, I prayed, I cracked my fingers, I prayed, I rubbed my goose-bumps, I prayed and stared intently at the pages, punching in numbers like a mad-woman. Who knew you could sweat and have goose-bumps at the same time!? I never understood this, but perhaps you do, so I will pose to you this question: If they want us to preform to the best of our ability and want our best results, then why on earth would they cram us into a bright, crowded room, where the temperature constantly fluctuate? (One minute I had ice sickles dangling from my nostrils, then the next, my eyebrows were melting off my face. Supposedly there were issues with the thermostat, but seriously, who were they kidding? There were thirty adolescents stuffed into that room, nervous beyond words, sweating profusely. It was the body heat that made the temperatures skyrocket! Uh, hello?!) And in there; in that situation, is where they expect us to be at our prime performance--They expect to get our best results like that? Honestly!? Give me a test and allow me to complete it, sitting on my bed all alone in a hoodie. I can assure you I would certainly be on my game then!
Okay, okay, I'm done now--I'm off my soap box. So that was a brief overview of my first SAT experience. Keep in mind, I won't get my results back until the 24th, thus I have no idea what my results are. However, I am honestly not concerned. Not because I have faith in my academic abilities, but because the night before my test (and weeks leading up to it, I might add) I spent a great deal of time in the presence of the Lord. I lay in bed, my heartbeat thundering in my ears and sleep seeming weeks in coming. Forsaking my beauty sleep, I turned on my music to drown out the pulse pounding in my ears, turned my eyes heavenward and simply chilled with Jesus. "'Okay, Lord, what should I be doing?'" was the question ever-present on my mind. (Note: the following is His response as written in my journal.) "'Exactly what you're doing! Continue going straight ahead. And relax. You know so much more than you think you do. Don't panic, it's not a matter of life or death. And don't give up--you can do anything through Me! Trust Me...and yourself. And you know what?--I'll be right there beside you! When I'm by your side, failure isn't an option! We'll do this together--we're a team, you and Me! I will be with you, by your side--they may only see one kid walking in, but there will be two people entering that room. I'm asking you to trust Me. Am I not God? Have I ever given you a reason to doubt Me? I am your biggest fan. I would never set you up for failure! Ever. Would I have brought you this far for nothing? This is your next step towards RIT--honestly, I would never set you up for failure! If RIT is My plan for you, then why on earth would you not pass the SAT (get a good score) and be accepted to RIT? I've got this! I have lit the path before you and am waiting for you to take a step forward in faith....'" I don't know about you, but I found that to be greatly encouraging. By the time I fell asleep that night, I was totally at peace...and had the most restful sleep I'd had in days! Imagine that!
Thinking on it, it seems that everything in my life right now requires me to trust Him. I'm serious--I can't even count on my fingers how many things are going on right now that I can't do a thing about. Every single aspect of my life requires trust. There is nothing I can do, but trust Him and believe that He's got it under control. Maybe you're feeling that way right now. Maybe you feel that your life is sliding out from under you or it's being turned upside down. Perhaps everything you know and love is slipping right through your fingers and there's nothing you can do about it. It's a scary feeling isn't it? The sense of helplessness can be overwhelming. But remember, transition/trust are very confusing places to be and God has been showing me that when I'm not certain what the next step should be, I simply need to seek Him and He'll reveal to me His plans! I have to do nothing but trust Him. He promises so in His Word: Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Continue doing the last thing He told you until He tells you something new. And regardless of how it may seem, you are not in this alone--Jesus is far more interested in your problems than you are! So I believe He allows us to go through trials so we realize that when we seemingly have nothing--we really have everything (Him.) And He's all we need! Deuteronomy 4:29 says, "Seek the Lord and you'll find Him, if you search after Him with all your heart and all your soul." So be encouraged, you are not alone! He is there waiting with open arms, wanting to help you!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Skyping With the Kiddos!
Today marks the nineteenth day that I've been back in PA, away from my dear students and friends who obviously remain in Puerto Rico. It's strange how in many ways it seems as if I've been away forever. Many people continue to ask me if I'm happy to be back...I really haven't decided yet and I honestly do not know how to respond to this question. Thus, I simply reply, "I really don't know." Part of me, or rather, most all of me, yearns to be in Puerto Rico sitting in Betsy's classroom tutoring the kids in writing, or hanging in the library interpreting a story, or helping Francis study for her spelling test. There is simply no feeling or moment like it. And I miss those dear, silly kids more than anything! My heart has undoubtedly stayed on the island.
However, I am aware that for this season, the Lord wants me back here. Thus, I am glad to be in the center of His will where He wants me--I know I'd be miserable if I were not in His will. So I have many mixed emotions on the matter; longing to be at ESD in Puerto Rico, yet contenting myself with being in His will and doing all He asks of me.
I have continued to interpret church services for the Deaf man who is still attending every Sunday, thus I am learning and am able to practice my Signing. He says he can already see me improving--which is a great encouragement to know. Last Sunday, I interpreted the entire church service and all of the two-way conversations afterwards. I can certainly feel myself becoming more confident...both in my ability to relay information and receive that which is being signed to me. That evening, everyone returned to church for a special question-and-answer meeting, for which I interpreted as well. Then everyone stayed to chat for a while thereafter. All in all, I signed and interpreted for more than four hours straight. I am absolutely loving it! I pray that all I'm doing here will help me to improve so that when I return to Puerto Rico, I can be of a better assistance to Betsy.
I have also, already received several sweet letters from my roomie (to which I have already responded.) I will honestly say that when I opened the mailbox and saw two letters addressed to me in green gel pen with a return address from Francis, I could scarcely contain my delight. I rushed into the house and ripped them open, pouring over her news of the recent happenings at school. I laughed, rolled my eyes, fought tears, and said, "Ha-ha, that doesn't surprise me," and "Gosh, I wish I had been there!"
Everyday, throughout the morning and afternoon when I glance at the clock, I am mentally transported back to ESD. When I eat my breakfast in the morning, I think, "All of the students should have arrived by now, the flags have been raised, and everyone is in the chapel for songs and a Bible lesson." A little while later when I notice the time, I know they are in Betsy's classroom for Social Studies and math time. I finish my lunch break at 1 p.m. and I think, "Now Betsy's rounding up the kiddos from recess, where Mizael and Kevin were mostly likely playing on the tire-swing or practicing guitar with the girls, and they are all traipsing into the library for reading/study time." At 2:30 they are back in Betsy's classroom, homework has been handed out and they are discussing attitudes and the kindness portrayed throughout the day. And I know that at 3:30 everyone is grabbing their bags and are making their way home.
Although this past week has been really rough for me; especially last Friday. All of the stress was really weighing on my mind and I was on the verge of panicking. Studying for the SAT exam, writing essays and filling out my college application; all in addition to my other required schoolwork and new classes, while still trying to readjust to being back in here in PA was beginning to become oppressive. "Lord, keep me on track and help me focus on the tasks ahead of me! Please help me to relax and clear my mind!" Now this short plea may seem to some like an oxymoron, but please understand that in order for me to focus on the things I had to do, I first had to clear my mind and just chillax.
Being the wonderful God that He is, He answered my prayer within minutes when the sweet kids in Puerto Rico called me! My day instantly brightened when I spent most of my afternoon Skyping with them! I was able to completely forget my busy schedule/the papers I need to write--and just sign and joke with my dear friends. God is so good! They shared with me the recent happenings at ESD: telling me about the new student, describing how much fun they're having in guitar class, informing me of the fact that they're nearly done their spelling books in which practically everyone earned an A, discussing life in the dorms, laughing about their weekly adventures at church, etc. I laughed so hard at times I could scarcely breathe. At one point, the boys were across the room signing a song together while I was chatting with my "sisters." They later convinced the girls to join them and Mizael appointed me to sign the chorus of the song as they interpreted the rest. So there we sat, all signing along together. Even from my living room in PA, I can still join the kids in music/songs! How great is that? Oh, my heart was so happy! I felt for the near two hours, that I was really back in the school library chatting/signing face-to-face. Oh, Skype is my new best friend. Before they had to leave, we said, "Hasta luego," and promised to talk again this Friday....Believe me, I'm am ready to see them again!
However, I am aware that for this season, the Lord wants me back here. Thus, I am glad to be in the center of His will where He wants me--I know I'd be miserable if I were not in His will. So I have many mixed emotions on the matter; longing to be at ESD in Puerto Rico, yet contenting myself with being in His will and doing all He asks of me.
I have continued to interpret church services for the Deaf man who is still attending every Sunday, thus I am learning and am able to practice my Signing. He says he can already see me improving--which is a great encouragement to know. Last Sunday, I interpreted the entire church service and all of the two-way conversations afterwards. I can certainly feel myself becoming more confident...both in my ability to relay information and receive that which is being signed to me. That evening, everyone returned to church for a special question-and-answer meeting, for which I interpreted as well. Then everyone stayed to chat for a while thereafter. All in all, I signed and interpreted for more than four hours straight. I am absolutely loving it! I pray that all I'm doing here will help me to improve so that when I return to Puerto Rico, I can be of a better assistance to Betsy.
I have also, already received several sweet letters from my roomie (to which I have already responded.) I will honestly say that when I opened the mailbox and saw two letters addressed to me in green gel pen with a return address from Francis, I could scarcely contain my delight. I rushed into the house and ripped them open, pouring over her news of the recent happenings at school. I laughed, rolled my eyes, fought tears, and said, "Ha-ha, that doesn't surprise me," and "Gosh, I wish I had been there!"
Everyday, throughout the morning and afternoon when I glance at the clock, I am mentally transported back to ESD. When I eat my breakfast in the morning, I think, "All of the students should have arrived by now, the flags have been raised, and everyone is in the chapel for songs and a Bible lesson." A little while later when I notice the time, I know they are in Betsy's classroom for Social Studies and math time. I finish my lunch break at 1 p.m. and I think, "Now Betsy's rounding up the kiddos from recess, where Mizael and Kevin were mostly likely playing on the tire-swing or practicing guitar with the girls, and they are all traipsing into the library for reading/study time." At 2:30 they are back in Betsy's classroom, homework has been handed out and they are discussing attitudes and the kindness portrayed throughout the day. And I know that at 3:30 everyone is grabbing their bags and are making their way home.
 |
| Gosh, I miss this classroom and tutoring English class so very much ! |
Being the wonderful God that He is, He answered my prayer within minutes when the sweet kids in Puerto Rico called me! My day instantly brightened when I spent most of my afternoon Skyping with them! I was able to completely forget my busy schedule/the papers I need to write--and just sign and joke with my dear friends. God is so good! They shared with me the recent happenings at ESD: telling me about the new student, describing how much fun they're having in guitar class, informing me of the fact that they're nearly done their spelling books in which practically everyone earned an A, discussing life in the dorms, laughing about their weekly adventures at church, etc. I laughed so hard at times I could scarcely breathe. At one point, the boys were across the room signing a song together while I was chatting with my "sisters." They later convinced the girls to join them and Mizael appointed me to sign the chorus of the song as they interpreted the rest. So there we sat, all signing along together. Even from my living room in PA, I can still join the kids in music/songs! How great is that? Oh, my heart was so happy! I felt for the near two hours, that I was really back in the school library chatting/signing face-to-face. Oh, Skype is my new best friend. Before they had to leave, we said, "Hasta luego," and promised to talk again this Friday....Believe me, I'm am ready to see them again!
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