Gosh, it has been quite a while since I have written, or more accurately, have found time to even write. And I won't hesitate in admitting that I have truly missed it! It feels nice to write something besides essays (although, call me odd, but I enjoy writing those too.)
So perhaps I should catch you up a little on what I have been up to this past month. *Deep sigh* That's so much easier said than done. So first, give me a minute to gather my thoughts as I try to recall the recent incidents that have occurred....Okay, I think I'm good.
And while I am already in the mood of admitting things, then I may as well confess that it has taken me quite a while to settle back into life here. Transition is always difficult, no matter where you go or what you do, thus there are still moments when I feel homesickness for Puerto Rico--and I can affirm that those feelings will not vanish any time in the near future. Although, on the other hand, I must say, I have also been overwhelmed by peace and am adjusting much better than I ever thought possible. I am still seeking the Lord regarding my plans to return, and I cannot express how greatly comforted I am by the fact that "I am not done there yet," as the Lord continues reaffirming to me. I am still receiving/sending letters from/to my kids and am Skyping with them whenever possible. Also, to my great delight, I am receiving updates of the happenings in school frequently! My heart is happy!
Meanwhile, obviously, many things have been occurring in my life lately, but I want to focus specifically on the SAT exam which I took at the beginning of this month. This may seem like a strange topic of discussion, but it has been something with which I've been struggling since I have returned from Puerto Rico. I was dead serious when I admitted to my mom, "'You were smart to not tell me about the SAT until I returned from Puerto Rico...had you told me while I was still there, I quite probably would have cancelled my flight back to Pennsylvania!'" In other words, I was utterly terrified! I didn't care what anyone said/did--I was not taking that test! Whose insane idea was this?
Now this was my first SAT exam ever and I have only two words to describe the worst, crazy, stressful and most intense four hours of my entire life: Absolutely insane! Now allow me to enlighten you. I was nervous. I had never done anything even remotely similar to this--and I was going into it completely alone. However, I wasn't going as crazy as I had anticipated--and I knew that I was feeling the effects of the prayers people were sending my way. So at some un-godly hour in the morning (when I was still too asleep to even notice the time) I was left all alone on the sidewalk in front of a High School with a pencil and calculator grasped tightly in my clammy hands. From there, I was joined by dozens of other students and we were all herded down the hallways like cattle. We were forced into a crowded classroom where we were ordered to wait. The door slammed behind us with a resonating bang that rattled inside my skull, trapping us in and severing all contact we may have had with the outside world--also eradicating any chance of a possible rescue. Each passing minute was excruciating. After enduring fifteen painful minutes of orally given instructions, we were finally permitted to begin our testing. I breathed yet another prayer and took as deep a breath as I possibly could before flipping the page. I will be honest and divulge that the English sections were not difficult and in fact, I thoroughly enjoyed them--I could do them just for fun! However, the math was an entirely different story. As previously explained, I am seemingly arithmetically-impaired. I fear that particular mathematical section of my brain suffers constantly from some sort of paralysis. I truly wish I could understand the complications and rectify the situation. However, all I could do was focus and do my best. So that is exactly what I did. I sweated, I prayed, I cracked my fingers, I prayed, I rubbed my goose-bumps, I prayed and stared intently at the pages, punching in numbers like a mad-woman. Who knew you could sweat and have goose-bumps at the same time!? I never understood this, but perhaps you do, so I will pose to you this question: If they want us to preform to the best of our ability and want our best results, then why on earth would they cram us into a bright, crowded room, where the temperature constantly fluctuate? (One minute I had ice sickles dangling from my nostrils, then the next, my eyebrows were melting off my face. Supposedly there were issues with the thermostat, but seriously, who were they kidding? There were thirty adolescents stuffed into that room, nervous beyond words, sweating profusely. It was the body heat that made the temperatures skyrocket! Uh, hello?!) And in there; in that situation, is where they expect us to be at our prime performance--They expect to get our best results like that? Honestly!? Give me a test and allow me to complete it, sitting on my bed all alone in a hoodie. I can assure you I would certainly be on my game then!
Okay, okay, I'm done now--I'm off my soap box. So that was a brief overview of my first SAT experience. Keep in mind, I won't get my results back until the 24th, thus I have no idea what my results are. However, I am honestly not concerned. Not because I have faith in my academic abilities, but because the night before my test (and weeks leading up to it, I might add) I spent a great deal of time in the presence of the Lord. I lay in bed, my heartbeat thundering in my ears and sleep seeming weeks in coming. Forsaking my beauty sleep, I turned on my music to drown out the pulse pounding in my ears, turned my eyes heavenward and simply chilled with Jesus. "'Okay, Lord, what should I be doing?'" was the question ever-present on my mind. (Note: the following is His response as written in my journal.) "'Exactly what you're doing! Continue going straight ahead. And relax. You know so much more than you think you do. Don't panic, it's not a matter of life or death. And don't give up--you can do anything through Me! Trust Me...and yourself. And you know what?--I'll be right there beside you! When I'm by your side, failure isn't an option! We'll do this together--we're a team, you and Me! I will be with you, by your side--they may only see one kid walking in, but there will be two people entering that room. I'm asking you to trust Me. Am I not God? Have I ever given you a reason to doubt Me? I am your biggest fan. I would never set you up for failure! Ever. Would I have brought you this far for nothing? This is your next step towards RIT--honestly, I would never set you up for failure! If RIT is My plan for you, then why on earth would you not pass the SAT (get a good score) and be accepted to RIT? I've got this! I have lit the path before you and am waiting for you to take a step forward in faith....'" I don't know about you, but I found that to be greatly encouraging. By the time I fell asleep that night, I was totally at peace...and had the most restful sleep I'd had in days! Imagine that!
Thinking on it, it seems that everything in my life right now requires me to trust Him. I'm serious--I can't even count on my fingers how many things are going on right now that I can't do a thing about. Every single aspect of my life requires trust. There is nothing I can do, but trust Him and believe that He's got it under control. Maybe you're feeling that way right now. Maybe you feel that your life is sliding out from under you or it's being turned upside down. Perhaps everything you know and love is slipping right through your fingers and there's nothing you can do about it. It's a scary feeling isn't it? The sense of helplessness can be overwhelming. But remember, transition/trust are very confusing places to be and God has been showing me that when I'm not certain what the next step should be, I simply need to seek Him and He'll reveal to me His plans! I have to do nothing but trust Him. He promises so in His Word: Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Continue doing the last thing He told you until He tells you something new. And regardless of how it may seem, you are not in this alone--Jesus is far more interested in your problems than you are! So I believe He allows us to go through trials so we realize that when we seemingly have nothing--we really have everything (Him.) And He's all we need! Deuteronomy 4:29 says, "Seek the Lord and you'll find Him, if you search after Him with all your heart and all your soul." So be encouraged, you are not alone! He is there waiting with open arms, wanting to help you!
