I presume that many of you have heard the phrase, 'If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." I have not realized until recently how exceedingly true this is. You see, it's been months and I am still struggling with trusting the Lord completely in every aspect of my life. While I know everyone struggles with this at some point in their walk with God, I feel as if it's taking me forever.
Allow me to present a sneak-peak into the most recent bumpy part of my walk with God: welcome to the "real me." You may be surprised at the things you learn about me from this, but I'm being completely real and am telling you how it is. Perhaps God will reveal something to you while you read this and I hope it's an encouragement if you're walking through a similar situation.
Months ago, the Lord really got my attention and asked me to give to Him a personal situation that was life-changing and very important to me. I am saddened to admit, I was hesitant. (I am chagrined to say that I am a planner...I need to know what is happening and when. Thus I am most definitely not a fan of uncertainty and I dislike secrets for this very reason.) So, as you can see, it is difficult for me to just 'let go' without knowing the outcome! It terrifies me, especially if I know it will effect me and I can do nothing about it. Putting myself and everything I know into the hands of someone else to do whatever they please, and not knowing what that is, is utterly distressing. However, I trusted the Lord. I truly loved Him more than anything and I trusted Him to lead me on the correct path; my life was in His hands and I was willing to go where He led me. I also understood that things should be surrendered to Him in obedience and faith. I had already sincerely given my life to Him and I would do whatever He called me to. However, while I trusted Him to lead my life, I had noticed there again seemed to be things (dreams/plans for the future) that I hadn't realized I had my heart set on. I knew I had given them to Him before, but subconsciously, I had apparently snatched them up again, burdening myself once more with worry and doubt. It was not because of pride or deceitful intentions, I was simply thinking about them and imagining how my life would look once they became more involved. I had no problem trusting Him to watch out for me, but it became painful when my heart and my dreams for the future become entangled.
I was still wrestling with my flesh that screamed, "Don't do it! Don't trust Him, it's a trick!" And my Spirit contradicting, "Honestly, it's not that difficult. Just give it to Him, already!" So the battle raged on inside my head. Why am I so afraid to give it to Him? He's God, He works all things for my good. But if I gave it to Him, what was He going to do with it? How would He take care of it? Would He handle it the way I thought it should be dealt with? And would it end with the results I wanted?
These questions assaulted my mind and the only answer I received from Him was, "Am I not God? Trust Me with this. I have only your best in mind." So shortly thereafter, when I agreed to trust Him with the personal situation, He suddenly began asking for everything. "Give Me everything," He whispered, "I'll take care of it. You can trust Me to do what's best for you! I've got this!" When it suddenly involved more, the old doubts began returning. Despite the fact that I wanted God to lead my life, I was still slightly anxious (for the reason of uncertainty.) He wanted it all?! But what if His plans didn't match what I expected to happen? My heart was still on the line...and so was everything!
Goodness! Do you see how wretched was my confusion of doubt and my lack of faith?!
I was exhausted--I was so done with doubting and fighting. I'd given Him the previous issue, what was a little more? So I gave it all to Him. Again, I gave Him my life, my dreams, my heart and even my thoughts! For about three days, I felt fabulous; I was overwhelmed with peace and the assurance that He had it under control....Until things began happening. One directly after another. This was practically how it transpired: one day something happened that challenged my faith, I sought God and once more gave it to Him. Then, before I knew it, another challenging situation arose and again, my faith was tested; each time by something more difficult. Again and again, week after week; month after month--and there I was. I wasn't hearing frequently from my family in Puerto Rico, I was beyond terrified with taking the SAT Exam, I didn't know my results yet, I had heard nothing from RIT, I had no friends close-by to talk to, I hadn't talked to/seen my sister in months, I was stressed with applications and scholarships for college, schoolwork was driving me crazy, and it seemed that anything that could possibly go wrong, was. I was stuck with nowhere to turn. Except to God. And the only thing He said was, "Just relax! Trust Me with everything!" which is not exactly what one wants to hear at a time such as that.
Then, when I wasn't sure if it could get much worse, my new-ish laptop crashed and needed to be sent in for repair. (I know it seems trivial now, but at the time....) It seemed that if I had one good day, then I could count on the next one being a terrible one--something always happened; I'd give it immediately to God, feel better for the time being, then something else would happen. For weeks this infuriating cycle ensued. Though struggling, I continued giving it all to God. Why was this happening? Everything was transpiring around me in a whirlwind and there was literally nothing I could do about it. My worst nightmare was occurring before my very eyes! All my "control" was being stripped away and I could only wait and believe that He had it.
The very next day, I received my SAT test scores. They were not what I'd hoped for. I was devastated. I had completed the test and had entrusted it to Him. Perhaps I had expected a miracle, but when I saw my grade, I felt dismayed and rejected. I finally gave it to Him for the umpteenth time.
I awoke the next morning feeling better than I had in weeks and came down stairs, unsuspecting. I was in for a surprise. Mom informed me that they had found issues with my computer and the repairs would be costly--requiring nearly all that I had earned this summer. That was it. I completely lost it. Seeking the solitude of my room, I expressed my frustration, my confusion, etc. "God, that's it! This is entirely too much! It's been months and I can't do this any longer! I am so exhausted and I am so done! I just can't handle this! What are You doing?"
His response? "I love the cry of a burdened child--because they're crying out to Me! I love hearing a heart longing for me--it's a precious melody. And the fact that you're crying out to Me is proof that you're willing to submit your plans to me.
"I also want to see how you'll react when I take all of your 'control' away. You are virtually 'helpless' and I'm wondering, what will you do? Will you try it on your own? Will you make a big scene? Or will you simply let go, let Me, and trust Me? I never said this would be easy, in fact, I warned you this would be difficult. I am testing you and want to see how you'll react. It's during the trials that your true colors show. Where and to whom will you turn? What/who will you depend on and trust? It's easy to trust Me when life is peachy--but what about when it's not?
"Additionally, you are doing so well with trusting Me. This is becoming too easy for you; so I decided to take it another step further. And of course it's difficult--it's a test! If it were easy, you should be concerned, because it wouldn't be serving it's correct purpose. It's meant to test and challenge you. If you went your own way, it'd be easy for a time, but honestly, trusting Someone you cannot physically see, touch or hear is difficult. So the fact that you're struggling is a wonderful thing; it means that you're not going your own way--you're willing to follow Me and you are! And believe Me, I have promised not to give you more than you can bear. And I know you better than you do--I know what you're capable of. I know exactly how far to stretch you without breaking you! This is strictly for your benefit. Do not be passive or take this lightly. How you respond to this will effect your future. I am preparing you for your destiny. I am molding/crafting you into a beautiful masterpiece--but you first must go through the refining fires. Only the strongest survive this. But only once you've withstood, and emerge on the other side, will you receive the things I have for you and the blessings I've procured for you. So I pose this question: Will you forge on ahead (and receive all I have for you)...or retreat and miss My plan? Come! Take My hand!"
What was there for me to say after that? But I will tell you though, when I lost it and cried, "I can't do this anymore," and admitted complete defeat and truly, honestly submitted my will to Him, things seemed to change instantly. I was overwhelmed with peace, the stress of applications, the frustration of missing my sister, my dismay at my test results, all seemed minimal. I was no longer worried about them. Suddenly I could say aloud with total confidence, "They're safe in His care." Whatever happens, happens; whether it's how I envisioned it or not. Because it will be the result of HIS Holy will, not my sorry attempt to make things work. Several things have changed for the better and while there are still things I'm uncertain of, I trust that He'll tell me when He's ready. And I am convinced that all of this transpired to bring me to that total place of surrender when I said, "I can't do this!" Because in my own strength, I can do nothing--but through Him, all things are possible! This is proof that He works all things for good! I feel I have grown so much in my walk with God during this intense conditioning. And I wouldn't trade it for the world--because it's during the trials that we grow closer to Him! So please, when He asks you to give something to Him, don't blow Him off or give Him a half-hearted attempt. Give it to Him completely and you will save yourself much anxiety.
