Proceeding: The Importance of Confidence!

Ever since visiting RIT on June 14th, I have prayed earnestly and sought God's direction for my life with renewed fervor.  I knew that He'd make His plans clear to me when His perfect time came--but somehow it never really occurred to me that His timing is seldom (or ever) the same as ours.  We are so impatient and desire immediate action; whereas God is simply content to take His good ol' time.  He's God and does things when He wants to do them.  We are left with no choice but to simply wait (patiently.)  So for the duration of these past 6 months, I have come to the painful conclusion that I'm rather impatient.  I realize this is part of our human nature, but still.... My heart's cry was, "Please Lord, show me Your plans so that I may go do what You want me to do!"  (I was/am beyond eager to help others and do things in His name.)  Since I am typically a "go-getter" and dislike sitting around wasting my time, waiting was difficult, to say the least.  So while this may sound like an honorable plea, I failed to understand the vital importance of simply waiting patiently.  Patience is so incredibly important because it's during this necessary period of waiting that we should spend time with Him; receiving strength from Him, getting lost in Him, and allowing Him to fill us with His love, presence, and peace.  He also does an amazing work in our hearts and begins forming us into His imagine--if, of course, we allow Him to.  If we lack patience and don't allow Him to work in our hearts, then how can He make us into the people we need to be?  And if we don't make time for Him, how can He change us?  We cannot minister to or help others if we ourselves don't understand God's heart.... We can't give what we don't have.  Thus, we must be patient and take the time to allow God to pour into us and reveal His heart to us, so that we can then share it with others.  We must be full of God so that we can impact others!  Change begins with us!
     So for the past 6 months, this change has been occurring in my life and God has certainly been doing an extraordinary work in my heart!  My passion for Him has been reignited, my heart is hidden in Him, His voice is now easily heard, and His presence is now so easily felt!  Sure, those 6 months were rather frustrating and at times painful, but they were so vitally important in my walk with the Lord and were so very worth it.
     So during the period of patiently waiting (sometimes more patiently than others) questions soared through my mind.  "God, where I am to go next?  What is it You want me to do?  How am I to proceed from here?!"  The only repeated answer I heard was, "Be still and know that I am God! I know the plans I have for you. Continue straight ahead."  Thus, I have continued pursuing RIT and have been planning accordingly.  However, I will admit that RIT has not been the only thing that's demanded patience and quiet pursuance.  Again, when many things occur and the only thing God says is, "Trust Me, I've got this. Continue straight ahead," it is fairly--no, exceedingly, frustrating.
     Within these past few weeks, I have begun to feel that the period of 'waiting patiently' is slowly transforming into something else.  God is finally beginning to answer some of those questions with a response slightly more encouraging than, "Simply trust Me."  I believe He's asking me step out into some of the things I have been waiting patiently for.  This is exhilarating, yet terrifying!
     So allow me to explain:  the first week of the month was the beginning of hunting season and a friend came to hunt for the weekend.  When I shot a doe but couldn't find any evidence that I'd hit her, I became anxious--okay fine, I went crazy!  I'd been hunting for years and knew what I was doing....So what was with this?!  Let's just say that, due to this and a previous situation, my self-confidence plummeted drastically!  I began doubting myself and my abilities.  My fellow tracker however was exceedingly encouraging to me and helped to boost my spirits.  But even after we found my doe, I still lacked my former self-confidence.  What was happening?  I prayed long and hard about this sudden lack of confidence--I wanted/needed it back!  Then I heard a teaching from John Maxwell who spoke on the importance of confidence and how to attain it.  I was greatly impacted by what he had to say.  So for the next several days, with much prayer, I realized that God had taken my quest to obtain personal confidence to an entirely new level!  I suddenly was understanding the vital importance of not only having confidence in oneself physically, but spiritually, too!  I'd always thought of confidence as a form of physical strength; to stand bravely before a crowd of people took confidence.  But suddenly I realized that in order to proceed spiritually and accept the things God has for us, confidence is required as well; confidence to step out and trust God for the impossible and confidence in oneself (to hear His voice) when pursuing His plans for one's life.  This completely changed my perspective on things!
     All of a sudden, the Lord began showing me that it's time for me to begin stepping out and proceeding in the things He has planned for me.  His plans are far greater than I can even imagine....But it's time for me to take the next step; take a step of faith into the unknown and trust that He knows what He's doing.  To be honest, it's rather frightening to step out into the unknown and take a risk; especially when one's heart is involved.  I mean, what if things don't work out?  I don't know the future.  What if my heart isn't safe?  What if something dreadful happens?  How then, would I proceed?
     But here's His response to my hesitance: "Don't be afraid to trust Me!  I'm protecting your heart.  As long as you don't get ahead of Me and continue listening to My instructions, you have nothing to worry about!  Being anxious of uncertainty is normal, but wonderful things seldom happen without it costing something.  For example, if a quarterback was too nervous to get on the field and throw, then how could he expect to get a touchdown?  He won't score by standing on the sidelines.  He must first take a risk and play before he can procure his victory.  Success requires action!  If you're scared and withdraw because of fear, then how will you advance and procure the amazing things I have for you?  Sometimes you just need to let go, let Me, and advance; taking a step in faith.  You cannot get anything without stepping out and receiving.  When Peter walked towards Jesus on the water, he first had to step out of the safety of the boat and take a leap of faith before he could walk on the water.  As long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he was fine.  And He didn't let him drown!  Same here, I'm asking you to step out in faith--and if you keep your eyes on Me, you won't drown.  I never set you up for failure!  I go behind you and before you, and hold you in My hands.  Please don't doubt Me!  Just trust Me on this.  Please take My hand and c'mon; walk with Me on the water!  Will you let go and trust Me with your heart?  I know the plans I have for you--you don't know them all yet, so let go, let Me; step out of the boat (into the unknown) and go with it!  Watch Me work My plans into completion!  When I call you into the unknown, it's because I'm waiting before you.  I would never lead you into failure!  So many amazing things lie just before you, and I'm waiting for you to step out and claim/accept them.  I have many fantastic plans before you, but you must step forward to walk into them.  Do not allow fear to hold you back from some of the greatest things I have for you!  Fear is the exact opposite of confidence and boldness.  Don't stop now!  I'm telling you to proceed boldly and accept your blessing!  What are you afraid of?  I only desire to bless you!"
     Suddenly I realized that the incident with the silly deer was for a reason.  God was using that to teach me the significance of confidence, not only in a physical sense but also spiritually.  I now understand how vitally important it is to have confidence--especially when it concerns the things of God.  The truth of this struck me like a well-aimed blow to the jaw.  Spiritual confidence is always required in your walk with God!  And it may not always be an easy thing to obtain, but taking time to hear God's voice, trusting His word, understanding His plans for you, agreeing to His call on your life, and living for Him are certainly necessary for gaining confidence.  And once you get to this point and are spiritually confident, physical confidence will come forth, from it!

Giving It All I've Got!

These fall months leading into winter inevitably seem to be the longest and most difficult; perhaps it is because of the holidays and Christmas is just around the corner.  But regardless of the reason, I can honestly say that for me personally, October and November have been a few of the most 'complicated' months; stressful physically due to my mile-long to-do list and fatiguing emotionally/spiritually because God has been taking me on yet another adventure and is asking more things of me.  (I'm not complaining, because I know that when we're stretched, we grow, but it's tiring just the same.)
     Last month, I shared about how nothing seemed to be working out and my seemingly constant struggle to trust Him with everything.  Let me simply add that trust is neither something we learn immediately nor is it a trait we master overnight--such things require both time and patience.  Clearly, I am still working on this....
     Also, I did successfully take my SAT Exam at the beginning of last month.  (Check that off my list of things to do.)  Finally, after three weeks of waiting anxiously, I received my new scores:  not only were they better than I had anticipated, but they surpassed my previous scores by over 150 points!  Even my math score had increased dramatically. Miracles really do happen, guys!  I was elated with this new development. After all, God had assured me that He would take care of my scores; but why was it still so difficult for me to believe for a miracle?  Why does trusting God completely seem so daunting?
     Next on my list for this month was my application for RIT/NTID--the only college that I wish to attend.  As my first ever college application, I was unaware as to how extensive the process was.  And it not only required terrible amounts of documents and information....It was also mandatory to write a 2-page essay explaining in detail all of my various experiences with the Deaf throughout the past four years (this was a long list of interactions.)  I thoroughly enjoyed writing my essay; I mean, after all, I was writing about signing, both of which I love--so it was altogether a win-win!  So I completed the remainder of my application.  But then, there was another aspect I had not considered before...I was unaware that I also needed to create a video all in ASL and explain my family, where I live, what ASL classes I have taken over the years, and why I want to become an interpreter. Believe it or not, this was by far, the most challenging of all.  I absolutely love ASL, but it's so much easier to interpret and much easier to relax when I'm having a signed discussion than signing a video that will be a critiqued by ASL professionals. There was an long list of rules/regulations regarding this video and I was terribly nervous.  I had to remember what I wanted to sign and perform it, unrehearsed.  Long story short, I confronted problem after problem...I had one great first take (but the lighting was awful) so I took another and another, and they progressively became worse.  If I was not anxious before, you could imagine how nervous I was by the third take.  The deadline was rapidly approaching and with the holiday, it was difficult to find time to take another.  Finally...finally, I took another and to my great amazement, it was a success! Another miracle I've witnessed.
     So after praying over my essay, application and video, I submitted the entire package.  And all I can say is:  I have applied, written and signed to the best of my ability.  And my best is all I've got.  This is the direction in which I believe the Lord is leading me and I'm giving it completely to Him.  Now, does this mean that I'm not at all 'apprehensive?'  Absolutely not.  There are times when fear and doubt whisper in my ear, taunting me, saying that my endeavors are useless and reminding me that RIT is my only option.  I mean, I don't have a plan 'B' so what happens if RIT doesn't come through?  I am slightly anxious because I have done all I can and the results are still unknown, but the peace that I feel knowing that this is all in the Lord's hands now, is amazing.  I am letting go and letting God.  I'm now stepping back and am excited to watch Him work things out!
     As I was praying, I felt this is what He told me regarding my application: "Am I not God?  I've told you, I am the God of the miraculous.  Everything in My plan works out to perfection.  I take the tiniest thing and make it a success.  I can do anything!  You are in My will--I've got you.  So what makes you think I won't see this through?  If I start something, I always finish it and bring it through to completion! My plans always succeed.  Unlike mankind, I don't need to plan around failures and make plan 'Bs'--My will is spoken into existence and it takes place when I say.  It's as simple as that!  Your best is all you can do--but your best isn't My best!  Just do this and let the rest up to Me.  You can do all things through Me!  Impossible is not a word in My vocabulary.  Give it to Me and prepare to be amazed.  This is the next step--and I give you My blessing.  I'm the God of the impossible.  Remember, I don't call the qualified, I qualify the called!"
     My cousin recently told me, "God's plans have already been decided and His plans are always successful.  Nothing you can do can change the plan that He already has in progress!"  He opens doors that no man can shut.  I am greatly encouraged by all of this and am totally giving this to Him.  My life is His.  Period.  He knows what my future holds, I don't.  So I am trusting that His will be done!
     And thank you to everyone who's supported/prayed for me during this adventure; I have had my good days and my bad ones; days I hear God's voice clearer than others, but thank you for standing by my side and for encouraging me!  Love you all.