This past month has had its challenging moments to be sure....Including the extreme differences between the monotony of daily events and the random situations that suddenly arise without warning; although such is life. And already this month, I have said 'Good-bye' to each of my best friends...and it becomes increasingly difficult every time! Not to mention they're now scattered all over the world (I exaggerate not); one is at YWAM in New Zealand! So can I just say that I detest 'Good-byes?' Well, I suppose it's really only an 'Until-I-see-you-again,' but it's difficult just the same!
However, amid the struggles: loneliness, monotony, and confusion; God has again and again proven Himself faithful. From answering prayers to whispering promises in my heart, He's continually reminding me that He is here. I began a fast at the beginning of the month and amazingly, His presence has become even more tangible and His voice is ever clearer. He is still daring me to step out in faith and believe for the miraculous, and with His guidance, I am! With my eyes on His, I have lost myself in Him and am following Him step by step.
So....This brings me to my next point: I know many of you have been supporting me in prayer and I thank you from the depths of my heart! And the time for which I (we) have eagerly been awaiting has arrived; the moment for which I have worked so diligently! The day had finally come for me to hear from RIT/NTID. On their website was a notification to all applicants that if an acceptance letter had not yet been received, we were to call the Admission's Office and inquire as to the decision. I shot my mother a wide-eyed glance and with sweaty hands and unsteady breath, I quickly typed a message to a friend, requesting prayer before I called. With his prayers on the way, I sat there blankly staring at the phone in my hand for several minutes. "Okay, Lord, this is it. I am trusting that You have me in Your hands and I am prepared to receive an answer!" I steeled my nerves and dialed the number as my pulse surged and my heartbeat echoed rhythmically in my ears. Okay...deep breath. When the administrator failed to answer his phone, I left a message. Then to await his response. It was a long two hours.... Finally, the phone rang--it was RIT. My stomach lurched and adrenaline coursed through my veins. Excitement and fear assaulted my heart. This was it. Again, with sweaty palms and a shaky voice, I answered. After the grueling small talk, I pounced and asked the big question. The dude on the other end paused, and my stomach twisted into knots. "Rachel, I am very sorry to tell you, but we have not been able to grant you admission into our program...." What?! I locked the phone in a death grip and couldn't meet the eyes of those standing around me. What had just happened? I only half listened as he prattled on in the background about what a sweet kid I was, how sorry he felt and how intense the competition was. Moments later, I hung up...at least, I hope I said 'Good-bye.' Thoughts and doubts swirled in my mind like a violent hurricane. Hadn't God told me RIT was it? What had I done wrong? Had I not worked hard enough? Was I really such a lousy Signer? Were my SATs that wretched? Had I erroneously heard God's direction? Was the peace I'd been feeling, completely misguided?
I sank onto my bed and for a time, just lay there stunned and unfeeling. I had such high hopes/plans; I had been counting on RIT, I had been planning for my four-year-life in NY, I had trusted God and proceeded in this direction, and furthermore, I had trusted Him to come through! God is the God of the miraculous, and heaven knows, I was anticipating a miracle! So what happened?
On the brink of tears and near devastation, I was summoned asunder to assist with the cutting of firewood. Holding myself together the best I absolutely could, I descended and began stacking firewood. To be honest, the first thought that crossed my mind was to simply give up; don't try, don't fail, right? Perhaps ASL wasn't it. Yeah, I was so done trying...for the past year I have worked so hard--and for what?! So far, nothing. Really. I pulled my wheelbarrow through the sludgy mud and reclaimed my boot. At that moment, I realized that I had a choice to make. Would I stay angry and potentially become bitter or was I willing to just 'let it go and let Him take care of it?' When you're upset, disappointed or furious, it's so easy to stay angry and harbor those feelings. It takes work and willpower to overcome the intense feelings of injustice. So what would my response be? While I didn't 'feel like' worshiping in my disappointment, I knew that if I didn't, it would only get worse. I couldn't do this alone; only He could handle this adequately. Suddenly, I stood erect. You know what, NO!! This was not it! I was not giving up! (Despite the vexing fact that my massive woodpile collapsed twice which then required re-stacking, I began praying and seeking God earnestly.) No, giving up was so not an option! (See, my stubborn streak is at times, helpful.) I began claiming victory: I am more than a conquer through Him! All things are possible through Him who gives me strength! Greater is He who lives in me, than he who's in the world! I began re-stacking the scattered logs, "Okay Lord, to be perfectly honest, I am not feeling so cheery right now. I know that You understand and respect that, but while I fail to understand the circumstances and the reasoning behind this, I am confident that You (being God) know. So while I really feel like a loser at the moment, I CHOOSE to praise You regardless of my circumstances. I CHOOSE to continue obeying You! I CHOOSE to not allow my trying situation to obscure my prospective and I CHOOSE to continue focusing on You through this so that You may reveal to me, Your plans. I CHOOSE to allow You to handle this Your way. And I will not allow my disappointment/confusion to prevent me from praising You and seeking You!"
I began singing one of my very favorite worship songs, again claiming that regardless, my soul will continue to bless the Lord. Of course, it wasn't exactly easy at first, but I pressed on, "Lead me where my trust is without boarders....forever You are faithful!" Suddenly, it became easier and easier and within mere moments, I was lifting my voice and singing this sincerely, straight from my heart!
Once I made that decision to still praise Him and pressed on, I did an about-face. Gone were my tears of devastation and gone were my feelings of misguidance. Suddenly I was confident to rest in the fact that He had this. (2 Sam. 22:31) He is God--I am not. He knows my future and His plans therefore--I do not. Thus, I decided to trust Him. Sure, things don't always make sense to our minds, but His plans are beyond our simple minds! (Prov. 3:5-6) And considering the current circumstances, I should be panicking...but I'm not. I am instead overwhelmed by peace and confidence that He'll make a way where there seems to be none! Oddly enough, I'm not worried or concerned about any of it!
There is another application process for RIT in February (for which I'm already a candidate) so this is not completely final. But we will just need to wait and see what He does. I am confident that I know what I've heard and I am still believing for RIT. Perhaps I will be accepted after all into the program in March and this was merely a test of faith--for me to prove 'my stubbornness' and not quit. Or perhaps now is not His intended timing and I will attended RIT at a later date as a transfer student. Again, I'm not certain of His plans, however I DO know this: that whatever His plans for me are, He won't let me miss them; He is Jehovah Jirah and He will provide for me in His timing; He will give me only His best (Matt 7:7-11); and that I'll continue to obey/trust Him without borders and praise Him even with my last breath!
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