Despite the fact that it has been a month since I've written, I have surprisingly little news to report. I have been staying busy with schoolwork; am still writing for the local newspaper and writing essays for scholarships; am taking a math class at HACC (a local community college); am still very involved in church/youth group activities; am enjoying spending time with my family, friends, and 'critters'; am staying involved in the Deaf Community as much as possible, am loving all the snow we've been getting this winter, am anticipating/planning my graduation in June; and have been getting some great quality time to spend with Jesus (the things He tells us when we get alone and quiet with Him are amazing)!
In other news, I have heard nothing else from RIT since receiving their letter in the mail last month, informing me that I have not yet been accepted into their Interpreting program; thus I am awaiting further information in March. Meanwhile, I am continuing to seek God earnestly regarding college and my future plans; thus far, He has told me nothing new, only reiterating His previous statement of, "Be still and trust Me! Continue listening." I am really doing my best to not get discouraged. The clock is ticking, cuts are being made, and I feel as if I am once again, back to where I started, with no idea what I'm doing or where/how to proceed. However, I am still obediently doing the last thing He told me, until He tells me something new...and that is to continue applying for scholarships and planning for my Bachelors Degree. I have begun to realize that I rather lack the desire to attend college; whether this is good or bad, I know not. But if His plans for me do include college, then by all means, I'll attend, but I have little to no desire for it. (However, with nothing to lose, I did apply to Liberty University in VA just to 'see what would happen.') So unless/until He clearly tells me that college is not where He wants me in this season, I will pursue it. But I just want to know! I am trying not to grow impatient, and don't want to get ahead of His timing, but I mean, it is rather pertinent that I know what His plans are, and soon too! Although, it has become far too obvious that, for some reason, He never seems to be in much of a hurry. Perhaps because He is not affected by pressure or stressed by deadlines--all I can say is: ha, ha, it must be nice!
So I think this all comes back once again to the reoccurring issue of: trust. Although He has been teaching me the importance of trust for the past eight months at least, He inevitably manages to find something else in my life with which I must constantly trust Him. Each time, the situations progressively become more difficult; once I trust Him in one instance, another, harder one is soon to follow! You know, one would think I'd have caught on by now or something, but it just continues to get more and more complicated. I mean, I know without a doubt that He'll take care of me, that He works everything out for my good, and that He will lead me in the right direction so I will walk in His plan. But currently, I am being asked to trust beyond that--to trust God entirely for the 'not-yet-seen.' That's when it gets really difficult. When you trust for something very specific--especially something that you've waited for/prayed for for what seems like an eternity. He is answering many prayers and has been showing me things, but He is asking me to step-out in faith and believe for the things He's promised me (things which I have not yet seen manifested in the physical). All I know (or have to go on) is what He's whispered to my heart--this is a tricky and scary place to be, especially when one's heart is completely involved...and it's clear that whatever choice is made, will determine both the direction and the remainder of one's life. So why is trusting so hard? Why when God tells us something, do we still, inevitably allow doubts to whisper in our ears and distract us? Why is it so difficult to simply take God at His word? Why do we constantly rationalize/analyze with our minds why things can/cannot work out, when God clearly says it will? Why do we insist on viewing life and our future only by what we see manifested in the physical instead of simply focusing on what God says to our hearts? Why do we limit God, believing Him incapable of working out situations? Why do we repeatedly question Him about things when He consistently says, "I've got this!" Again and again, He proves Himself faithful and comes through for us; we praise Him for His truth, but when the next "obstacle" comes along, we again doubt and question Him. Why do we do this?
Sadly, I lack answers for all these questions. I wish more than anything to know why trusting seems to be so difficult. And I desire more than anything to be able to trust God without borders and believe Him without any hesitation! I don't understand why our minds struggle so, to simply believe and come into agreement with His promises. But of one thing, I am certain: He is a God of abounding grace. If you are struggling too with trusting Him for things, be reminded that He does not look down on or condemn those who struggle to trust...instead, He takes you by the hand and leads you, showing you clearly the way you are to go. He will gently coax you forward and will patiently continue leading you step-by-step, revealing things to you until you can believe completely! He will never lead you on a wild-goose chase, everything is for a reason. He is also willing to take it slowly; He will never give you anything you are not ready to handle--He is aware of your limits.
So be encouraged...if you struggle to trust, you are in good company; I mean, look at Thomas in the Bible...he knew Jesus (had a close relationship with Him) but when Christ returned from the dead just as He had promised He would, Thomas did not believe that the Man standing before him was really Jesus! Jesus was standing before him once again in flesh and blood, and Thomas still doubted! But Jesus was patient with him and revealed to him the marks in His side and hands as proof of His existence. Likewise, God will confirm things to you as many times as you need Him to! He will not allow you to miss His plan and miss out on anything He has for you--so be confident in this: He will not let you down, and He is not "put off" in the least by your unbelief. Instead, He will do whatever it takes to help you believe because He doesn't want you missing out on anything He has for you!
Also, speaking of trust, I just wanted to take a minute to thank and honor those who have/are trusting God as they serve Him out of the country. So many of my friends are currently away on mission trips, and I admire their steadfast trust (being a missionary requires an extensive amount of trust in Him)! Several of my friends still remain in Puerto Rico, teaching/mentoring children at the Deaf School; another friend is ministering to orphans in India; others are reaching out to people in China; still another friend is serving and rebuilding in South Africa; and my cousin is attending ministry school in New Zealand in preparation to travel to another country for out-reach. So I just want to say: way to go, you guys! I am so proud of you all for saying 'Yes' to Jesus and following Him where He's led you! Thank you for being His hands and feet and for showing the love of Christ to others! You guys are amazing and I greatly applaud your trust and devotion to our Lord! You're in my prayers; miss you all!
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