Stepping Out of the Boat!

As I sit here spending some quality time with my Savior, I have been reflecting on all that God has done and is still doing, in and through me these past several weeks. He never ceases to amaze me!
     I have always struggled with being shy--I know this might surprise some of you, but nonetheless, it's the honest truth. It typically takes me a while to warm up to people, and when I do finally become comfortable, I don't have a problem talking and interacting; but if am uncomfortable, then forget it...I'm not saying a word. Call me weird, but that's just the way I have always been. And it irks me to no end!
     For the past three years or so, I have strongly felt God calling me into ministry. How and where, I had no idea; but I knew without a doubt that I was meant to reach out to people for Him. That sounded wonderful and I was all for it...but there was just one small problem. How could I talk to people about Christ when I got nervous just ordering a burger from the cashier at McDonald's? I mean seriously...this was a problem. After my trip here to ESD last summer, I knew without a doubt that God was calling me to work with the Deaf. I returned home, passionate about the Deaf and so on fire and ready to share the goodness of God (not only being a Christ-like example to those I met, but by being obedient and praying for people when God prompted me.) But there was something holding me back: my fear and insecurity.
     Isa.6:8, says, "Whom shall I send? Here am I; send me." Isa.40:9, says, "Lift up thy voice with strength; be not afraid!" Isa.62:6b, says, "Ye that make mention of the Lord, keep not silent!" Mk.16:15, says, "Preach the gospel to every creature." Mat.28:19, says, "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations!" I knew all of that and wanted to step out, but how did I go about this and overcome my shyness?!
     Finally, overwhelmed and frustrated beyond words, I cried out to God in a burst of righteous anger. "There is nothing I want more than to serve You and share You with those I meet, but in the natural, I can't see that happening. I am so sick and tired of being shy and nervous all the time. I am seventeen, for crying out loud--It's high time I act like it. I desire to serve You in all I do, but I can't do that if I'm always scared. I need You to give me boldness! Strengthen me so that I might step out into the things You have called me to do!"
     For over a year, I repeated this prayer, fighting the discouragement and the continued feelings of anxiety. What was God doing? I was still scared to say anything to anyone. Why wouldn't He give me the boldness to step out of my comfort-zone? Didn't He want me to serve Him?
     Then one day last month, when my mother and I went to the store, I heard without a doubt, God tell me to approach a cashier and tell him that He loved him. This guy was obviously homo-sexual; from his lipstick and long hair, to his high, shrill voice. "God what are You doing?" I asked nervously. I had never approached someone or done anything like this before. God responded, "You want to be used by Me, now is your chance to step out in the boldness I am giving you. Don't worry about what to say, for when you open your mouth to speak, I will fill it and give you the words." So long story short, I approached the guy, shaking in my flip-flops and wondering if I'd gone completely insane. But when I opened my mouth, I had words...imagine that! I made eye contact with him and I didn't stutter or confuse myself. God touched his heart and he actually began to cry as I explained that God loved him and neither He nor I judged him.
     I left the store and couldn't get to sleep that night...so pumped from my first encounter with the Holy Spirit giving me a word of knowledge.
     So the next week, just one day before embarking on my journey here, God told me this during my quiet time with Him: "You must know your authority and the power you possess through Me. Never doubt yourself or the fact that I am always with you! Through Me, you can move mountains. During your time in Puerto Rico, you will learn to trust your ability to hear and obey My voice. And trust yourself. You will learn how much strength you have and you will get to exhibit your newfound boldness. You will also see firsthand, how strong I am through you. Be willing to be used by Me and I will undoubtedly use you. Get ready because I'm about to blow your socks off. Teach the kids how to pray and above all, be a conduit of My love for them. Be my hands and feet! I will stretch you, but I know how far to go without breaking you. Trust me, I know what you are capable of. Just be willing to be obedient and I'll give you the words to say and the boldness to say/do it. Now is the time for boldness...and I am about to take you to an entirely new level!"
     Excited beyond words, I left the country; wondering how God was going to use me and praying that He would continue to give me the boldness I so desired...and do as He had promised.
     Within days of my arrival, Betsy was already coaxing me out of my comfort-zone--and when I hesitated, she pushed me completely out. That wasn't quite what I had anticipated. It seemed that each day, something newer and more intimidating was being asked of me. From overseeing an entire VBS program, to interpreting a song at her church, to teaching crafts/a devotional (all in Sign,) to teaching the group of Deaf kids Home Ec. Class (also, all in Sign!) You'd think that after all that, I would be confident...but not quite. I am still nervous before stepping out and doing it, but once I start, I gain confidence. But why am I still afraid? I had always thought of boldness as "being fearless," or doing things unafraid. But I learned that is not the case.
     So as I contemplated my dilemma and considered my newfound boldness, I came to a sudden realization. Number 1: Boldness isn't about not being afraid. Boldness simply means that you are strong enough to continue without submitting and allowing your fear to hold you back. Number 2: Each time may get slightly easier, but you will always have to do things afraid. That's just life. But only when you are determined to push past your fear, are you rewarded!
     I know that God will continue to ask me to step out of the boat. And although I am still afraid, I will continue to push past my fear and in faith, step out onto the water. I have learned that when I am comfortably seated in the boat, I don't need to trust Him. But when I take that single step out on the water in faith, He is always there to catch me if I falter--and He will never let me drown. I remind myself of this every time Betsy asks me to the front of the classroom or of her church. And I am still unnerved when I am asked to step out, but again, I remember that boldness isn't the absence of fear; it's simply the act of stepping out in faith and believing that Jesus is there to catch you!